Pops and Son Conversations
Join US Air Force Veteran, Presidential Achievement Award Recipient, author, philanthropist, and social media influencer, Rob Malloy, and his son, author and model, Javan Anderson, as they navigate the generation gap with humor and heart.
On this podcast, Rob and Javan tackle a wide range of topics – from life lessons and fatherhood to current events and pop culture – offering a unique blend of old-school wisdom and new-school perspectives. Expect lively debates, unexpected insights, and plenty of laughs along the way.
Tune in to Pops and Son Conversations and discover:
- Candid conversations: Rob and Javan share their honest thoughts and experiences, providing a refreshing take on intergenerational relationships.
- Diverse perspectives: Hear how Rob's traditional values intersect with Javan's modern outlook, creating dynamic and engaging discussions.
- Humor and heart: Enjoy a show that's both entertaining and thought-provoking, leaving you with a smile and something to ponder.
Subscribe now and join the conversation!
Pops and Son Conversations
Red Flags in Dating as a Single Dad
The delicate dance of co-parenting while dating new people creates unique challenges that can leave single parents caught between competing priorities. In this candid conversation, we tackle a listener question about hospital visitation rights that perfectly illustrates this tension: When a child is hospitalized, should dad's new girlfriend have unlimited access if mom isn't comfortable with it?
This scenario opens up a deeper exploration of the jealousy, control issues, and boundary problems that can emerge when blending families. We break down the critical red flags single parents should watch for when dating, from partners who try to insert themselves inappropriately into co-parenting dynamics to those who love-bomb with excessive affection or rush relationship milestones before trust is established.
But our discussion doesn't stop at warning signs. We reflect on what makes relationships genuinely compatible for single parents, including the underrated green flag of being able to share comfortable silence without awkwardness. As two generations with different perspectives, we offer complementary insights into finding partners who respect your priorities and understand that children's well-being must always come first.
Whether you're a single parent navigating the dating world or someone considering a relationship with someone who has kids, this episode provides thoughtful guidance for avoiding relationship disasters while building connections that enhance rather than complicate your family life. Subscribe and follow us on social media for more conversations that tackle life's complications with honesty and heart.
Please follow Pops and Son Conversations on the website, popsandsonconversations.com, and social media @popsandsonconversations
Okay, welcome to another episode of Pops and Son Conversations. Of course it is your favorite Silver Fox, rob Malloy.
Speaker 2:And it is Son here Javen.
Speaker 1:All right, man, here we are. How you feeling, jay?
Speaker 2:I feel good, pop, I feel good. It's a good day. You know, life is good. I got no complaints. Yeah, hey, congratulations on the event where you're doing your poetry man, you was killing the crowd. Poetry has always been something so near and dear to me for so long. It really feels good to share that energy with other people and get the appreciation. A lot of folks came up to me and was like you did your thing. I really appreciated that and I'm ready to get back at it too.
Speaker 1:Okay, sooner than later, man, we'll, we'll make sure that everybody knows what's going on locally, as we have the events and stuff like that. So, yeah, man, so let's, let's jump into this, because I feel like we have a lot of unfinished business in this episode yeah, that's true, we, we got um.
Speaker 2:So last episode we talked about dating as a single father and all that that entails. Right, we, we had a good time talking about that.
Speaker 1:It was a lot on the plate and it always will be man anytime you start talking about the navigation of dating, just period. You know single father, single mother. You know single individual with without children, you know. You know because people are in different stages in their life, you know, and so when you catch them, depending on if they can be truthful, transparent and honest about their situation, you know you can find yourself in an adventure.
Speaker 2:Yeah, Very true indeed, so there was one thing that we got to get to from the last episode, though.
Speaker 1:Mm-hmm.
Speaker 2:You know, we did have a viewer email in with a question, right? So I'm going to go ahead and I'm going to read it once again, just for the sake of this episode, so we know what's going on. So listener emailed us and said why does the new woman in us? And said why does the new woman in? Okay, so just to give a little preference.
Speaker 2:This is pertaining to single father dating and basically introduce or having to blend the families or introduce, you know, your new person to the father of your kid or the mother of your kid. So she says why does the new woman in his life have to have a say in how my baby daddy interacts with his child? So basically, she says her son was shot recently and the son's father wants his new girlfriend to be added to the visitors list at the hospital, to be able to the visitors list at the hospital, to be able to come in whenever she wants, and basically they don't get along. So she wants to know, basically, why did the dad do this? Like, why, what? What was the motive behind the dad, you know, feeling the need to add, add her to the list to add her to the list.
Speaker 1:Okay, that's interesting. So let's back up a little bit so that we can just kind of give some context of the different challenges you know, and realistic expectations. So before we address that, I think it's important that we really understand what happens sometimes and what I'm referring to. Also, we reference, if you guys want to check out the episode prior to this as well. We talk about, you know, the obstacles of dating after you've been with someone. You guys had a child, so sometimes you know it can happen after a few years. Sometimes it happens when the children are a little bit older. You know, sometimes it happens when the kids are infants.
Speaker 1:Man, when the kids are small and from what I've noticed, you know there's not a lot of ladies will actually entertain, when it comes to relationship wise, a man that has a small child, or or especially an infant child, because you know a. You guys still may be trying to figure things out, you may be going through an up and down roller coaster coaster, but what I think, though, jay, what happens is ladies realize that you still have that bond with your child's father, and so if a woman is a little hesitant in getting involved with a guy is because she knows how she was when it was time to you know, figure out. Are we going to be a family or not? Are we going to do what it takes? Are we going to get through the obstacles? I think that's the first thing that comes to mind is like okay, I know when my child was like six months old or one years old. Those are some milestones that you guys typically share together. Is that fair to say?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think that's fair to say and I think it also might. It might just be a little bit biological too, right? I mean, it's just the nature of things. You're gonna have a certain amount of, uh, reverence and regard for the, you know, the parent, the other parents, so it's just, I think it's a bit natural and that's not something like.
Speaker 2:I think it would be more alarming if you know they had no type of of feeling afterwards, after the kid is born, he's just like no, I'm good, like I'm, I'm great, it's, I don't, I don't need you, I don't care for you. So, yeah, so, so you know, either mom or dad still harboring some type of feeling. I think it's completely natural. But, to your point, that does lay credence to why there's some hesitation around. You know, wanting to talk to somebody that has a kid, that's, you know, in that stage infant stage, toddler stage, whatever it is because you know, you know, just through experience, you may be like, oh man, yeah, I remember I was feeling about, about old girl or old boy. So yeah, it checks out for sure.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, it really does. And each dynamic is going to be unique. And you know, sometimes you figure out that you guys aren't a good fit and that's unfortunate because now you have a child involved, you won't be co-parenting in the same household, and then all the challenges that come with that. You know you're introducing the child to different relationships, and it doesn't necessarily mean romantic relationships, it's just that. You know now mommy and daddy have, you know, different friends that don't all come to the house, that used to come to the house.
Speaker 1:It's just so many different things, man, and it really shares and sheds light to some of the relationship struggles as you get a little bit older, because now you also got to keep in mind you don't want that kid to have really access to you, figuring things out with somebody else, right, and what comes with those challenges. So now, that being said, let's kind of dig back into to that you know scenario that we talked about before, because now we're talking about uh relationship or dating life. After uh, you guys are no longer together. So you have that co-parenting uh experience and and even with that man that you know I talked about before you know the gas station pickups and drop offs. You know a lot of that happens once somebody is now in a new relationship. So you know, now the baby moms, you know she can't come by the house no more.
Speaker 1:Now the daddy. He can't swing through no more. Now there's more boundaries. Exactly, you need to bring little Tommy home at 6 pm, not 11 pm.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:So you have to keep those in mind. And a lot of times also, again, there's some influence on the new partner. Let's just keep it 100. There's a lot of for some. You know, you've proven, you've proven that. Okay, you know what? We are not romantically involved, we are just co-parenting. Now you have to reiterate that you're only co-parenting, like you have to reiterate that you're only co-parenting. Right, you have to go through that period of time with your new partner that you guys you know, aren't intimate anymore and man, it's just further.
Speaker 2:you know, now, not only do you, of course, yeah, you have to explain, but now you kind of have to deal with these new, these new boundaries. Right, you got to figure out how to navigate, how your partner feels about them, you know, and it could put pressure on. I mean, I think it put pressures on all sides because All parties involved, yeah, all parties involved, exactly.
Speaker 2:So you know you may feel pressure because you know the new girl that you're talking to, the new woman that you're in a relationship, feels a certain type of way about whatever you got going on. Yeah, and we kind of talked about this last episode too, but just given the scenario, I don't, I'm just so.
Speaker 2:I feel like you know that like that is just in, really, between a rock and a hard place, right. Right, he's trying to keep the peace and keep everybody happy, yeah, but I'm not necessarily sure that the new woman needs to be there, I don't. Yeah, I think he could. The way I feel about it, I think he probably could have. He could have took the way I feel about it, I think he probably could have. He could have, um, he could have took the bullet on that.
Speaker 2:But, like I said, that's that's the pressure, right, because, if, because, if he says, nah, you can't be on the list, I don't think that is a good idea then he's got, you know, maybe a storm that he has to come back to at home, or maybe now he got to deal with a, a cold shoulder or something like that, and that's his relationship. He doesn't have a relationship with the mother, so he's not, you know, there's no, no cold. He don't care about no cold shoulder or nothing like that. You know what I'm saying. But also, this scenario was just so, so much more serious, being that, you know, with the son being in the hospital and the condition he's in, I just would think, like you said before, the child is really the most important. So what's really going to be the most optimal scenario for the kid to be in good graces, not having to stress or worry about anything or just any like I think probably just mom and dad need to be there To me. That's my thoughts on it. I can see that.
Speaker 1:I could see that. I also think that, more importantly, there has to be already some type of of rapport with the mom and with the new partner, because, in all actuality, if we talk about from a legal standpoint, she has absolutely zero about. From a legal standpoint she has absolutely zero, uh, you know there's, there's zero reason unless she is the wife, yeah, but but even with that, she's still not the biological mother, she's probably not anywhere on the paperwork. So, um, that's the father and the mother's child and that's just something that you know has to be respected. Yeah. Anything outside of that, of course, you know, you can always have conversation, but I think that is non-negotiable when we talk about the best interest of the child, because, again, there has to be some type of family plan. You know you, because you still have mothers and fathers and aunties and grandmas. So how is she out ranking them? You know what I mean exactly from a legal, from a legal standpoint, from, uh, uh, just a comfortability standpoint.
Speaker 1:So I think it's one of those scenarios where the father of the child and his new partner probably have an independent struggle of access to the child, of you know role or position you know towards the new partner and the child, and that's really hard to navigate, especially if you're dating. Even if you're living in, even if you're living together, you're still not husband and wife. Even if you're engaged this is my personal opinion Even if you're engaged, you're still not husband and wife. So there's really no, there's no legal standpoint where people need to be positioned prematurely, if you will, because you know the, the mother, definitely you know that that whole story and scenario.
Speaker 1:Obviously there's some things that should have taken place prior to being in that type of situation, because now you know that's tough, the child is, is in the hospital. Of course you want all hands on deck who can help and assist, but at the same time you don't want additional internal issues, man, because that's not going to help, it's going to cause more friction and then you know who knows what happens. At that point, man, we're going to need the new partner and the baby moms. You know, meeting in the lobby you know what I'm saying Like like three o'clock high. Yeah, we don't need no situations like that, man, where they squabbling in the no In the lobby man, next to the drinks and snacks, you know.
Speaker 2:I would hate to see. I would hate to see something like that. I would hate to see something like that pop. But you know, whatever with everything you said it, it really kind of brings me to a great segue, right, uh, which is actually the topic for this episode. We answered the question, but the topic for this episode, right? So I'm going to just flat out say it Okay, I feel like that there's a hint of jealousy and some control issues going on right there. I'm going to just be honest Like for you to feel like you need to be there or you putting pressure on him to have you there, you might think that something's going on. It's not going on. That's jealousy, that's control. What do we call that? It's a red flag, it is.
Speaker 2:That's a red flag. I think that's a red flag.
Speaker 1:I'm a rock with you on this, I do. I think that that's a red flag. I'm a rock with you on this, I do. I think that that's a red flag as well. And then you got to keep in mind, you know, you don't know what that household or that dynamic looks like. Do they have any children together? Does she have any kids? Because now you start looking at, you know, the control factor Like hey, you got your own kids, I don't have anything to do with them. I'm factor like hey, you got your own kids, I don't have anything to do with them, I'm not involved with them. And and then, of course, again, the father. The dad, he's in the middle of all this and so now he has to, he has to decide, you know, uh, which direction to go. Uh, because peace is definitely not in his future, because he's going to be in the middle man, he's going to be in a tug of war for a good minute.
Speaker 2:What With the weight of the world on his shoulders. I'm telling you Drowning.
Speaker 1:The weight of the world, man, that's true man. So let's talk about that. Let's talk about some red flags as a single dad, to kind of watch for in a potential partner. So we'll kind of reverse engineer this episode, uh, and as far as the topic wise, so, uh, I'll ask you. So when, when you're dating, when you're meeting someone, when you're getting to know them, you know, obviously there's some stuff that you have to share up front.
Speaker 1:I would say children, uh, if you're involved in their life, especially meaning if you have to share up front, I would say children, if you're involved in their life, especially meaning if you have to tell them hey, you know what, this Saturday is not good. You know, we're going to the fair. This is something that we do with this weekend. We're going on a cruise. It's something that we had already planned, whatever the case is. So there's certain things that I think that you should be forthcoming when it comes to as a single dad, right, but when it comes to red flags with someone that you're getting to know, I mean, what are the things that stand out with you, jay?
Speaker 2:So, yeah, I know this all too well because I'm good at identifying my red flags.
Speaker 1:OK, that's good, yeah, I want to straight up my red flags, okay. Okay, that's good, I want to take it straight up.
Speaker 2:So one I already mentioned the jealousy and the control. That's a major red flag. Okay, we old enough to the point that we understand people are busy, we understand that people aren't always available and we understand that people have their own personal lives, right Outside of dating, outside of well, mainly dating. Right, if it's crazy, right, if we dating and you getting jealous or you trying to control aspects of my life, or yeah, nah, you getting cut off. Red flag, I don't need you to you not making it past red flag, I don't need you. You're not making it past the first gate, okay. So that's definitely number one. Um, I would say number two for me. This is another one. It's called love bombing.
Speaker 2:So what love bombing is is basically when somebody is like overly maybe, like showing you, like too much attention, infatuation, almost to the point that it's like chill a little bit, okay, like maybe just being a little bit too into me. To me that's a red flag because you know from my experience it can wear off. And then it's like all right, so you was feeling me super hard in the beginning. So what was that? Was that real, was that fake? I was like what's going on? So I don't like the love bombing. I don't like for women to come in and just shower me with compliments or try to say all this and it's like I love it, but let's just keep it on a subtle, you know what I'm saying. A subtle, it's cool.
Speaker 1:Organic authentic.
Speaker 2:Exactly Authentic is the word Like, because that doesn't feel. It just doesn't feel authentic to me. You know, when you saying that it's like hey, like chill, I know I look good, it's cool. You don't have to keep telling me that I love good, it's cool. You don't have to keep telling me that I love it. But like just chill. So yeah, that's probably my top three. The jealousy control and then the love bond would be my top three. Okay, what about you Pop?
Speaker 1:Yeah, you know, I have this theory and everybody, you guys will hear this from time to time as, as you continue to listen to the podcast, you know, um, a higher slow and a fire fast. And so, um, what that means is a higher slow, meaning we're going to go through an entire process of the getting to know stage. Know, I think it's really weird. I mean and again, this is 2025. You guys are listening to this in 2025, uh, which I will be 50 in october, and you know, at this age, I, I don't like to be rushed to do anything. You know, I don't, uh, even if we're having conversation, I don't want a woman to say, well, when you gonna take me out, what, what are you talking to? Like? And so it, it gives me pause because it's like it makes me think that you are still stuck in the last relationship or the last encounter or situationship you was in. And those are some of the things that are still stuck in your head, like, why did it take so long for him to give me a ring or to ask me out, or for us to, you know, go on a trip or whatever the case is, it's like it, it kind of carries over. It's some spillage, right, I can. I can tell the spillage because it's stuff that you know. I didn't even really get a chance to show you as far as you know who I am and how I operate. So when you're asking questions, I might have been good, you know, I might have been ready to ask you that night, right, you know what I'm saying. That might have been the night or that might have been the day that I was like, hey, you know what. Your schedule's been crazy, my schedule's been crazy.
Speaker 1:I know we've been doing a lot of go grab uh, you know some brunch, or why don't we go grab you know some coffee and and and some to eat, or, you know, go somewhere where it's quiet, where we can talk and and just kind of feel each other's energy, because I think energy is so important. You can have a lot of energy on the phone, right. You can have a lot of energy on the phone, right, you can have a lot of energy and video chat and stuff like that. But when you're sharing each other's space you can't fake it. Then, like you can only pretend for so long until you're uncomfortable. If you're uncomfortable, right.
Speaker 1:And so I'm just really big on energy, and one of the things about that, or a main thing, is a woman's temperance. I need to know, like you know, how do you really navigate when you are uncomfortable, or is there moments where you think silence is awkward, or do you feel like you have to keep explaining yourself and sharing things and do you feel like you're pulling teeth with our comments? That means, you know, things should be a really easy flow whenever we're together or whenever we're not sharing the same space, and those are the things that I think that we should pay attention to, because some people just like to talk right, some people like some people just like to talk, they like to hear themselves and they think, because the other person is quiet, that they're actually a soundboard. But really like me, man, I may be falling asleep. I'm going to tell you straight up, man.
Speaker 1:I mean I wonder sometimes, do women actually know that they've been talking nonstop for 10, 15 minutes without taking a breath? I mean, I hope somebody hears me out, because there is a brother out here that has been accused of either not paying attention or being insensitive or, you know, not being thoughtful, because he couldn't get through this woman's dissertation. He couldn't get through it. Oh, my goodness. You know, you usually get about an hour. I got to check with my team you team usually about an hour for a dissertation, you know, and it's a lot because you know folks are talking and talking and you're not even paying attention on the energy on the other side, right? Because if so, hey, you know what? And I love to see this about women. Hey, you know what? I've been talking a lot. I know I like to talk, you know, is there something that you want to say? You know, are you good do? Am I talking? Okay, like, obviously, you know that's a unicorn situation, right?
Speaker 2:I'm about to say how about that right?
Speaker 1:yeah, I don't that has before, but maybe once a decade. But, yeah, man, really just kind of being cognizant of of what's going on, man, those are what I would consider red flags. I said all that to say just a person being aware of what's going on in that present time. What's going on in that present time, it's so important that I think people pay attention and, enjoying the moment, you can really appreciate each other. If you just sit there and you're like you know what this is really good energy. And I think that's how sometimes you find yourself with someone sharing some space for hours and you don't even know that it's been hours, right, because there's times where it's silent but not awkward, and sometimes you're sharing, sometimes she's sharing, and just that organic transition and that authentic process is beautiful.
Speaker 1:And so, you know, my main red flag, like, like I said, is just somebody rushing, rushing the entire process of getting to know each other. You know you're asking questions that you don't even really um have. You know you're not entitled to anything, right? So you can't be privy just because it's a question that you ask and um, you know, you know now, you know how I feel about the whole open book scam. You know somebody claiming that they're open book. Um, they say they're open book because you have to guess the right questions to ask them. So they can always say well, I said I was open book, you never asked oh wow, I didn't know that's a cop-out, it's a cop-out, jay, a cop-out.
Speaker 1:it's a cop-out like hey man, when's the last time you saw your last guy? Oh, um, well now we just so happen to be in the same. Okay, I got it. Okay, that's okay, you got to ask the right questions. But again, they also know the type of demeanor of a person Like you. Jack, you're not going to be very intrusive, you want everything organic, exactly.
Speaker 2:So I don't care about your business like that.
Speaker 2:No, I'm not going to pry like that. But you know, even see, with me I'm like you, like you said, like there's so much unwritten beauty in just being able to appreciate the silence you know in the room with somebody like to me, a lot of times that could speak more volumes than you know carrying a conversation, or lack thereof, because, like you said, some women can just have a whole conversation with itself while you, sitting up, you could be nodding off, you could be daydreaming, you could be doing anything, but they talking and listen. No participation. Attention is divided.
Speaker 1:Like, so it don't even matter.
Speaker 2:But just think about being able to be comfortable, like you said, because, yeah, silence can be awkward sometimes.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:But there's, you can find a person to, where the silence is never awkward. You know the silence is never. You never feel like you're itching or having or required to have something to say just because nobody's saying anything. You know, that's something that's so beautiful. So for me, that's a green flag. I know we're talking about red flags yeah, flags, yeah, but being able to just sit in silence and be cool and not feel weird or awkward or feel like it's some type of tension or anything going on, that is, yeah, a green flag. I like that and yeah, we, yeah, yeah. So that's green. Listen, I didn't, I didn't brought us the green. Should we do another episode on green flags? I don don't know.
Speaker 1:We may need to do green flags. I like that Green. I like that a lot. I like that a lot, man. Matter of fact, let's, let's do that really soon.
Speaker 1:Uh yeah, man, that's dope. So, look, um, we we dealt with a lot of different um, interent and independent relationships when it comes to the kids, when it comes to co-parenting and, at the end of the day, man, you really want to make sure that you have your priorities in order, right, because you know the children didn't ask to be here, jay. So, whatever you have going on on a personal level, you're going to have to keep that in check because, again, you know, these are your children, these are your responsibilities, and you can't let any outside influence, kind of, you know, put you in a position where they're no longer priority. Yes, and that's always going to be the key, that's, you know, as father to father, father to mothers, whatever this situation is, you know we have to keep the kids, um well-being, uh, as priority. So, um, that being said, man, that was good, jay, I, I like that, I like, I like how we, we, uh, we dealt with the red flag, so I want to move on from that, because people talk about red flags all the time.
Speaker 1:Yeah that's right. So so I do like the green flag topic.
Speaker 2:man, let's bring some, some, some light and positivity on it. Man, what's what's the green flag that you see when you date in that make you say, oh yeah, it might be the one. This is a keeper right here. That's good man that you see when you date and that make you say, oh yeah, it might be the one. It's a keeper right here.
Speaker 1:That's good man. Look, we appreciate you guys rocking with us. Pops and Son Conversations. You know how we do it. Follow us on all our social media platforms. I hope you're listening to this on your favorite platform and you have subscribed, because that's important. That shows us that you're committed and we're always going to be committed to giving you guys the content that you're asking for, as well as asking these difficult and sometimes uncomfortable conversations.
Speaker 2:That's right and shout out to our viewers. Y'all keep sending those questions and we love to receive the feedback and the questions. We hope to hear from you all soon.
Speaker 1:That's right. You know you can always find us PopsandSunConversationscom, so we'll see you next episode. We out Peace.
