Pops and Son Conversations
Join US Air Force Veteran, Presidential Achievement Award Recipient, author, philanthropist, and social media influencer, Rob Malloy, and his son, author and model, Javan Anderson, as they navigate the generation gap with humor and heart.
On this podcast, Rob and Javan tackle a wide range of topics – from life lessons and fatherhood to current events and pop culture – offering a unique blend of old-school wisdom and new-school perspectives. Expect lively debates, unexpected insights, and plenty of laughs along the way.
Tune in to Pops and Son Conversations and discover:
- Candid conversations: Rob and Javan share their honest thoughts and experiences, providing a refreshing take on intergenerational relationships.
- Diverse perspectives: Hear how Rob's traditional values intersect with Javan's modern outlook, creating dynamic and engaging discussions.
- Humor and heart: Enjoy a show that's both entertaining and thought-provoking, leaving you with a smile and something to ponder.
Subscribe now and join the conversation!
Pops and Son Conversations
Mental Health in Romantic Relationships
What happens when mental health challenges intersect with romantic relationships? In this candid conversation, Rob and Javan explore the delicate balance between vulnerability and self-protection when dating while managing mental health concerns.
The father-son duo tackles one of the most challenging relationship questions: how much of your mental health history should you share with a new partner, and when should you share it? Through personal stories and thoughtful analysis, they examine the consequences of both disclosure and concealment, comparing withholding information about serious mental health issues to hiding an STD before becoming intimate—a breach of trust that can permanently damage relationship foundations.
Rob introduces a powerful metaphor, comparing relationships to building houses: you might want similar features in each relationship, but the style and construction will inevitably differ. This fresh perspective emphasizes the importance of creating a new foundation with each partner rather than carrying expectations or unresolved issues from previous relationships. "Nobody has the upper hand. Nobody has the lower hand," Rob explains, highlighting how this approach allows both partners to be vulnerable about their challenges from the beginning.
The conversation moves through practical discussions about anxiety in relationships, the value of couples therapy as a proactive tool rather than a last resort, and how to distinguish between green and red flags when dating someone who's actively working on their mental health. Throughout, they maintain that while complete healing before dating isn't realistic, self-awareness and transparency are essential.
Whether you're currently in a relationship affected by mental health challenges or hoping to build a healthy connection despite past trauma, this episode offers compassionate insights and practical wisdom. Listen now to gain perspective on navigating one of modern dating's most common yet least discussed challenges.
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Okay, welcome back to another amazing episode of Pops and Son Conversations, and of course, it's your favorite Silver Fox, Rob Malloy.
Speaker 2:Double check and check again. Check three times here.
Speaker 1:All right, that makes three. Hey, Jay, how you feeling, man? What's going on with you?
Speaker 2:I feel good, feel good. Yeah, I'm in a good mood. What about you?
Speaker 1:I'm feeling good, I'm really excited to tackle this conversation. You know it's still May and we are still addressing Mental Health Awareness Month. Now, mental health awareness need to be year round. Let's just keep it a buck, right, I agree. But we're going to be very intentional with addressing mental health and I think we have something really special this particular episode, jay, that we're going to give our listeners out here, and we really want you guys to tap in like never before, because these topics are very crucial. These are things that for some families, for some generations and for some communities and cultures, may be taboo to have conversations about, and so, thank God, we have this platform there that we can, you know, engage in a kind of break this thing down, jay. So, uh, how you feeling, man? What direction you want to go this episode?
Speaker 2:Yeah. So for this episode I'm thinking we get, uh, into more of the, you know, the romantic relationship side when you're dealing with mental health, Because I don't know about you, pop, but I've been in some relationships where I notice how the mental health, the order of it is like it can really weigh down on the relationship and it can affect it in major ways. So I think we should kind of talk about that. Um, you know, maybe give some experience and then maybe a little bit of advice, maybe how we dealt with that before man that means we're gonna have to be vulnerable man, the big v hey, yeah, yeah, I got got to show some vulnerability.
Speaker 2:I don't mind that, though I could get into it like hey, I got, I got some stories man well, shoot man, we're gonna let you pop it off then, all right yeah so yeah, so so with me, I think, you know, coming from the mental health angle, it's just so many different things.
Speaker 2:So for one, you know I talk about. I know we kind of spoke about depression and things like that before, but mental health is so important. So between, like the difference, for me it's like the difference between love and dependence. Love and dependence right, because I feel like when you're dealing with kind of um, you're not in the highest spirits, or maybe your partner isn't in the highest spirits, a lot of times they can kind of they feel like they need to depend on you to lift them up out of that or maybe to, uh, you know, apply some value in them.
Speaker 2:It kind of becomes a thing where it could weigh on the partner as well. It gets unhealthy, and I definitely have dealt with some things like that before. I don't want to get too specific, but you know what I'm saying. It's almost like you may be watching your partner have an identity crisis or something like that. They might not be acting the same or, um, there's also painful to deal with. So I think you know, one of the most important things is being able to actually, you know, identify what's going on, like, not not shrugging it off. You know what I mean, because we don't always know what it looks like.
Speaker 1:Yeah, oh man, that is such a powerful statement that we don't know Now. The thing about it, though, is, I think, once you are in a relationship, you know you can't anticipate everything that's going to happen. Right, there's always going to be the unknown that, when you talk about relationships, especially romantic relationships with your partner, you know there's going to be some things, that, um, there's going to be some expectations, and not going all the way into the marriage part, because in the marriage part, man, you, you got to do it, you got to stay committed to the commitment. So, whatever that looks like, it don't matter, you're in it, right, but going through the process of being with someone, you know learning that person, you know getting beyond the exterior. You know you're going to, you're going to uncover some old bones, some old traumas, and you know that comes with great responsibility.
Speaker 1:So, but to your point, you know what is that going to look like, and not everyone is equipped to deal with that. So I think you know the first thing that has to be identified is, you know, do you love yourself, do you have healthy habits, do you have your outlets, are you transparent with your wants and needs? Because once you get into that relationship there's going to be some compromise and sacrifice, but you don't want it to be at the disposal of your identity and I think, man, that's one of the one of the toughest things when you're getting into relationships. You want to give the best version of yourself, but you still want to be who you are, if that makes sense, jay.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, it makes total sense. And you know I'm not saying again like you know nobody, especially when it comes to, you know, to mental health, like it's an ongoing thing, it's a process, it's something that we constantly got to work on. So it's not to be saying you got to be fully healed. You know what I'm saying. That's not realistic, or at least just understanding maybe what triggers your partner or what issues they may be dealing with. I mean, you know, at the end of the day, communication is always going to those things that you just kind of you know, you just never know.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, you know, man, you know it's such a challenging you know topic because you have to be vulnerable and, like you mentioned, you know you have to be aware or, ideally, you know topic because you have to be vulnerable and, like you mentioned, you know you have to be aware, or, ideally, you know, be aware, like, so let's, let's just say that you know you're getting to know someone and you got having conversations. You you've, uh, you know, broke some barriers already. It's almost like how much do you divulge? How much do you like, you know, do, do you share some of the most traumatic experiences you know with somebody that you're getting to know, or do you guys are on the next level, and and then you divulge it, cause at that point it's no turning back really right
Speaker 1:then, and so now it's like boom, it's in your face, you got to deal with it, and I think that's one of the most crucial experiences in relationships when you have to deal with that and I'm not talking about you know. Well, you know, they say I'm crazy, or I did some crazy things, or yeah, I stalked somebody, whatever. Even though that may be true, you know, people are at different places at different times. So it's really important to identify where you are, how far you've come and what you still need to work on, and that, and being transparent with that type of information, that's what's really going to take your relationship to the next level, or at least give you a fighting chance to yeah, give you a fighting chance.
Speaker 2:You know, I actually have a little story. I was just recently talking to somebody, you know, we were conversing and she was telling me about an experience that she had with somebody that was having some mental health issues. And it was crazy because we were talking and she was like the guy was, you know, he was cool, everything you know I think I want to say they dated for like a year, a year or two, yeah, so he had been around the kids and things like that, was doing for kids, all this stuff, but he never told her about these mental health issues, that that he had, and then one day he had an episode snapped and that's when, you know, it became apparent to her, but she felt like she couldn't. She couldn't move further with the relationship because of that, but more so because he didn't divulge that information prior to Now. I was asking her, like you know, so if he had told you, would you have still considered it and you could guess what the answer is the answer was no she was.
Speaker 2:She said no because that it was a lot to deal with. She was saying for the circumstance. I you know she didn't go into complete details, but whatever happened she said she didn't want to be around that, she didn't want her kids around that. So you know it, it it is hard, man, if, when you're going through stuff, or if you, you know, if you have, like, um, you've been diagnosed with something you know kind of teeter in that line of whether or or not you should let somebody know because you may be afraid of the reaction they may have or if they'll consider you as a partner. It's, you know, it's deep man. So I definitely could feel for people who go through stuff like that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you know on both ends, because somebody who you know has been diagnosed, you know, with any type of mental health issues, to include PTSD, because there's a lot of people, not only military, but there's a lot of people that have experienced, you know, you know a lot of uh uh post trauma, you know stress.
Speaker 1:So, uh, it's like how much again, how much do you divulge Uh, if, if you have gone on a path to where you know you haven't been majorly triggered, um, if you have ongoing, you know, therapy sessions and things like that? You know, of course, to an extent, you know you want to be able to confide in someone, but at the same time, it's almost like you really don't want people privy until you guys have established something, a strong rapport, privy until you guys have established something, a strong rapport. And I think the biggest part with that is if you know that you have some issues, I don't think that you should move forward on engaging in a relationship until you divulge that. You know what I mean. To me, I mean that's like having an STD.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:You got an STD and you guys are, you know, considering being, you know, physical and having intercourse, and you don't say nothing. You wrong, sis, you wrong yeah that's wrong.
Speaker 1:So I look at it like this I remember my homeboy, stevie Bags Jr man. He said a lot of people suffer from stds and that's spiritually transmitted diseases, you know, and that's one of the cool. Well, it's not cool, but it's one of the, I guess, most thought-provoking thing that I've heard, because there are issues that you cannot see from the exterior and there's also, uh, some issues that you still have to peel the layers in the interior. So it's really going to take me properly going through the process and the journey to make sure it makes sense for you guys to be together. And that's why I truly and I always will promote taking your time before getting into a relationship, and I mean a real, true relationship. We are in a relationship we both agree, one to break Right. So it has to be that that clear, because if not, then that leaves gray area to where you're doing relationship stuff and you're bypassing some things that need to be discussed.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, pops, doing the relationship stuff, you got to come to that agreement. I am not with that. We got to figure this out first, because it just never ends on a good note for for anybody. Nobody's happy that way because it's too much confusion, right. But I wanted to talk about, uh, one of the things I wanted to ask you if you ever, if you've dealt with somebody like this.
Speaker 2:So this falls under mental health, right? So a lot of people have like bad anxiety, right. They, you know they get uncomfortable or maybe just in like certain settings they, you know they get the jitters and stuff like that. But I found, you know, when dating the anxiety thing can play a role too because of like, there's like a paranoia aspect to it as well. You know what I'm saying. So there's like some over over analyzations. There's some, you know, some some spiraling and you may have some triggers, like you know, like I might just be going out to grab some groceries or something and it take me a little bit longer, or I'm not texting you, you don't receive a text, and now you making all these wild assumptions about this and that. That's kind of a turnoff to me and I don't know if, because I know people do really have these issues with anxiety and things like that. But that gets in the way for me Like that's. I don't want to deal with that.
Speaker 1:Oh, man, you know that happens. You know that happens, you know it happens and I think that it's two, two factors that play into that. But both of them have everything to do with the past. So you know, they may have been with someone that I, that maybe you and I will consider over communicates. You know, hey, babe, I'm going here at this time and then after this I'm going to go here and I'm going to text you, I'm going to FaceTime you so you can see, like you know, and that really does exist, that's what I'm saying. So you have someone that I would consider maybe over communicates.
Speaker 1:And then, of course, you always have that trauma of someone that has done some, you know, unscrupulous things. You know in the past that that would definitely have you know somebody on the other end. You know feeling abandoned, uh, feeling that, uh, you know they can't be trusted, and assuming the worst. So both of those things happen, man, and it's again, you know, it's that process of getting to know that person. But I think that more important than those things are is you have to create a brand new relationship. So you have to have the mindset of OK, I have experienced some things, I know that I come with some things and I know that I've been through some things, but this is a brand new relationship to me.
Speaker 1:It's like it's like building a house like you can. You can still get every. You know four bedroom three bath looks different, but you may want a four bedroom three bath. So some of them come in a ranch style, some of them come in two stories, some of them come in a townhouse. So, again, at the end of the day, you still have to create a new foundation, right? You have to create a new foundation and then you build it according to your unique relationship, right? So, okay, yeah, you was in a ranch before, four-bedroom, three-bath, but now you still want the four-bed three-bath, but now you want a two-story. So it's going to look different.
Speaker 1:The building process is going to be different. It's going to take longer. You're going to see some things that you're familiar seeing. Maybe some of the framework, maybe some of the appliances are the same, but it's not. It could be the same refrigerator, but it's not the same refrigerator. And so, having that open mindedness, being real with yourself and really going through that process with that person Like both of you guys start over. Nobody has the upper hand. Nobody has the lower hand and if we could create and enjoy and embrace that journey together, the newness, then I think we can be a lot more vulnerable and share a lot of our flaws and faults that we typically hide until we are at that moment of exposure.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I mean, and at the end of the day, that's when you pursue pursuing a relationship with anybody. That's all we really ask for is to be able to be vulnerable and be accepted. You know, in whatever flaws or you know issues, however we want to label it, whatever we have going on, you want somebody to see you for you and still love and accept you, no matter what that is. So, you know, going back to that story, you know the little story I was saying about the one I was talking about, to who's dating somebody. Like in that instance, I do wonder you know what if she was able to overlook that? You know what I mean Like something you just never know. Something beautiful could have still come from that, you know.
Speaker 2:So I want to encourage people, you know, whatever, whatever mind state, mental state you are in, you know, don't stop looking, don't stop dating, don't let that hinder you. Of course. Continue to work on yourself and do whatever it is. You can Therapy things like that, you know, and you know if, if, also, if it's medication or whatever the case is. You know, because I know people deal with all different types of, of course, you know all different types of things, but don't, don't let that that hinder you from from day in and trying to find somebody, um, because no doubt there's somebody out here that will see and accept you for whatever it is you have to offer. So, yeah, just always keep that thought in mind.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah for sure, man. One more thing, or maybe two more things I want to address, because I think it's really important, is actually identifying, you know, if you need therapy or if you guys just aren't a match. And I think that that has a lot to do with with the scenario you gave, because that is an opportunity. Maybe she didn't look at it as an opportunity, because if this gentleman has been able to step in and support her, step in and kind of do some things that wasn't being done before, then now he's in need of support, right. So it's almost like OK, well, that's your test, did you pass your test? Did you decide not to do your test at all and just move on.
Speaker 1:You know, it's also a teachable moment, it's also a learning opportunity, and imagine if you go through that process. You know and get through that. So now you have a method and a tool to utilize when there are instances like that and you don't know, because those things could also apply to other things in the household when you're able to get some type of help, but when you're also able to have some support. So you guys are now learning together, you know. So therapy doesn't just really address one topic, but it gives you. It gives you tools, it gives you strategies and it gives you an opportunity to get to the root and kind of reverse engineer situations and allow you to be a lot more effective with your relationship and your communication style. As it is, yeah, that's good.
Speaker 2:Pop hey man, you know I might have to go get that cert.
Speaker 1:I might have to go get that cert.
Speaker 2:Yeah, coming up next.
Speaker 1:Coming up next. Man, I think you also made a good point about sometimes people will self-sabotage, you know, instead of being vulnerable, instead of being like. You know what this is me, this is what I've been working on. You know, can you handle this? You know, willing to navigate, you know, together, you know. So, again, I think that those are, you know, learning moment, teachable moments, learning opportunities, and you know some, some people, that's their way, that's their scapegoat.
Speaker 2:Oh, yeah, yeah, self-sabotage, the isolation I think it can. It really can be easy to you, be easy to fall into those things, especially when you don't know. None of us really have a view of how we're perceived. We can only see ourselves for what we see. We don't know what other people see. So if in your mind you don't feel a particular way or you're not confident or you feel like you're being held back by a certain criteria or whatever, whatever the case is that you have going on due to you know the effects of some some type of mental health issues, then that can isolate you and make you feel less inclined to reach out or to divulge or really just get in communication or contact anybody about it. But really that's the only way to get through. That is by connecting with somebody else and talking to someone else, because you know alone you're only going to continue to spiral and and and how, these negative thoughts and these, this, this negative aspect.
Speaker 2:So I encourage always no matter if you have mental health issues or not or if you're going through anything, just always talk to somebody. You know is I encourage people to talk. I promise you it feels better getting stuff out than holding it in. I've never had an experience where I held something in or kept it away and I felt better down the line. It's always that catharsis or that release of energy and emotions comes with that. It comes with that liberation, that feeling of liberation. Holding it in is never going to make you feel better.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it is tough, you know. It may be something that people have shied away from only because the other person lost interest. But I would have to agree with you, it can also be off-putting and feel like maybe some betrayal, maybe not able to trust that person, because it's a big deal and people your person may want to truly and genuinely, you know, help you get through it, not blame you, and, you know, say this is the cause of all of our issues. But they may be genuine and very've talked about it before that in the future you are open, once you're in a relationship, even though you're not talking about marriage yet, do you think that it is important or imperative to just have couples therapy? Yeah, how do you think that would? That would change the dynamic or how it would influence, you know, that process of of, you know, seeing if this is really a person.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so just just without me. Of course, you know I've never been to couples therapy or anything like that. I actually haven't been to therapy before, but I was almost there. I was almost there and the reason we decided to do it is because we were having issues in our relationship, so it was kind of like a last resort thing to try to salvage what we had going on.
Speaker 2:So in retrospect, I think that it would have been a much better idea to, you know, just kind of being able to talk through things and seeing one another's perspective without anybody shutting down or anybody feeling like, you know, they're getting blamed or the finger pointed at them or anything like that. So imperative, you know, I think that would kind of be like circumstantial. I don't know if my next relationship or my potential wife I don't know if we will we may gel together enough that we can kind of resolve our issues one-on-one. It may be that type of thing. But if it looks like the therapy is a good route, I, you know, I have no qualms against that. I think it could be healthy, I think it can be helpful and I wish that I had, uh, considered it, you know, earlier on, like the next time in the future. I definitely will that.
Speaker 1:That probably will be one of the first resort resorts and not the last, for sure yeah, yeah, yeah, that's that's uh, you know that's powerful, that you felt that way, that you express yourself that way. You know, I would say that I think that therapy, um, is a good thing. I, finding the right therapist is as important as therapy itself, because you, at the end, you really want to take away tools that will be lifelong instruments for you. You know so, if you are having issues or if you're not having issues, you know you have a structure, you have reference, you have, you know, the ability to look back and say, hey, you know what. These were some things that were effective for me in my personal growth and development.
Speaker 1:So I think that therapy in general could help. I think that it'll give you some options. It'll give you some perspective. Help, I think that it'll give you some options. It'll give you some perspective. It'll give you some tools again that you may have not even thought about because you're so busy going through life, right?
Speaker 1:So a lot of us are so busy going through life that we don't sit down on our own couch and write down our thoughts and journal our experiences and assess what we have experienced, what we've learned, the adjustments that we made. So when you can get someone who's going to be, you know, extremely objective with what's going on. It'll help because we're always in the thick of it. But I would say that I remember dating a young lady and we was so early into just dating and you know she was like, would you do couples therapy with me? And I'm thinking, why do we need to do that? We ain't even really a couple like that. But what I later learned is that you know she did have some major traumas and so it's almost like well, let's talk about it with someone before I have to talk about it to him. Right, that's how I looked at it and I like that, jay.
Speaker 2:I like that.
Speaker 1:No, no, I wouldn't like that. I would, because she made it seem like this is something that we needed, like right away, versus this is something that she really needed. And if I agreed, it would be like a revelation for her. Like, oh, you know, he agreed. Like, maybe the guy who was cool with me didn't Right, and so it was like a test.
Speaker 2:If he says that he's cool with couples, it was just too early it was too early and then it wasn't all the way genuine, you know Right, because you're not. Yeah, yeah, I get it. Because I'm thinking like at least, if she's saying that though, at least she was, at least she didn't hide it you know what I'm saying, at least she wasn't just never gonna you know what I'm saying come out with it. So I'm thinking maybe she at least put an effort to to show you know that she got the trauma, because it can be hard to talk about. But if she was just using that as kind of like a little, a little factoring system, then nah, that's that, ain't that, ain't what's up yeah, I don't know, man, it didn't even matter, though it didn't even matter at that point.
Speaker 1:Man, I'm seriously, I'm serious, because you know, there's certain things that I think that, as we establish ourselves, we can have those conversations. Now she she didn't even divulge that she was currently in therapy. Now, I think for me that was the bigger issue, if you like, you know what. There's some things that I'm still dealing with. You know, I'm still healing from and I'm still navigating, and so you know, please understand, now, if she would have said that, then I would have.
Speaker 1:I don't know if you could prepare for triggers, or, or you know what. You can't anticipate triggers, but you can kind of prepare that. Okay, you know what. There may be some things that she's like okay, you know what, this is too familiar, I don't like it, and you have a better understanding. Yeah, yeah, but you know, sometimes, again, you know, when you start talking about that representative because I know women talk about it more than men, but both have representatives it's almost like, uh, you know, uh, what you gonna do. It's almost like, okay, I'm gonna give you a little bit, you give me a little bit, I'm gonna give you a lot, I'm gonna get you know, you get me a lot and kind of those undiscussed expectations, kind of get uh certain you know uh, getting the no process convoluted. So if you're gonna, if you're gonna keep it, you know a buck, keep it all the way above, because at least you can say that I kept it above on my part. Facts, big facts, man. This was, uh, this was one of them.
Speaker 2:Things, man, um yeah, good, good, healthy conversation. You know something that we don't always, we don't always talk about and we didn't even get to, we didn't go in. Really, you know cause? Yo, this is supposed to be some issues out there for real, but you know, we kept it light, kept it good. I think that you know people can really get a lot from this and, at the end of the day, like I said earlier, no matter what you're going through, you know, be real with yourself, be real with your partner. Right and y'all will be all right.
Speaker 1:You're going to be all right. You know, don't, don't be scared to show your true self. You know you can't kind of sneak that up on folks, man. It's, it's going to hurt you on the long. But you know what, though? But we do have a few more minutes, let me. Let me address this. Let's talk about really briefly how you feel about the, the healing work. You know, do you? Do you feel like if somebody is telling you straight up I'm in this healing process, I'm in therapy, uh, and I'm navigating, you know, personal development For you, is that a red flag, jay, or is that a green flag on how to move forward?
Speaker 2:Yeah, to me that's a green flag If they're coming out, if they're being forthcoming. Well, actually, not only that, let me not be so quick to say. I have to specify what the traumas and the triggers, and the therapy is right Because it's levels to it All right come on.
Speaker 2:You know it's levels to it, Like if it's not, you know if you may be dealing with you know something light like it's and I don't know. I don't, I don't want to feel bad saying this, but I don't, I'm not the person that's like, I don't want you to be. You know trauma dumping on me and having way too too much baggage because I don't. I don't personally feel like I have that. You know what I mean. So I feel like we need to be a little more balanced, you know, uh, but if you're gonna be forthcoming and let me know, I think I think that's a green flag because it just kind of helps me know you know how to deal with you and how to move.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, and please know and recognize where you got a journey ahead of you. Hey, you are going uphill. Oh man, look, we appreciate you guys Again. You know it's still May, mental Health Awareness Month. It's your favorite duo, rob Malloy and Javen Pops and Son Conversations. Hey, look, we're going to see you guys next episode. Make sure that you catch up If you missed last week's and the week before, make sure that you catch up and then tap in for the next episode. Look, man, we're going to see you guys later, all right, peace.
