Pops and Son Conversations
Join US Air Force Veteran, Presidential Achievement Award Recipient, author, philanthropist, and social media influencer, Rob Malloy, and his son, author and model, Javan Anderson, as they navigate the generation gap with humor and heart.
On this podcast, Rob and Javan tackle a wide range of topics – from life lessons and fatherhood to current events and pop culture – offering a unique blend of old-school wisdom and new-school perspectives. Expect lively debates, unexpected insights, and plenty of laughs along the way.
Tune in to Pops and Son Conversations and discover:
- Candid conversations: Rob and Javan share their honest thoughts and experiences, providing a refreshing take on intergenerational relationships.
- Diverse perspectives: Hear how Rob's traditional values intersect with Javan's modern outlook, creating dynamic and engaging discussions.
- Humor and heart: Enjoy a show that's both entertaining and thought-provoking, leaving you with a smile and something to ponder.
Subscribe now and join the conversation!
Pops and Son Conversations
Setting Boundaries Without Becoming the Villain
We explore mental health within family dynamics, examining how emotional processing, boundary setting, and generational patterns affect our wellbeing.
• Growing up without guidance on processing emotions leaves many of us ill-equipped to handle feelings
• Many families, especially in communities of color, prioritized survival over emotional health
• The "strong one" in every family often bears excessive emotional weight without proper support
• Setting boundaries with family members is possible without being disrespectful
• Taking mental health space from family is sometimes necessary and shouldn't cause guilt
• Breaking generational patterns may create temporary distance but leads to healthier family dynamics
• Communication is key to maintaining relationships while advocating for mental health needs
• Writing, sports, and creative outlets often serve as emotional processing tools when guidance is lacking
• Modern parents have opportunities to teach children emotional intelligence previous generations missed
• Mental health awareness should be year-round, not just during themed months
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welcome back to another amazing episode of pops and sun conversations.
Speaker 1:It is your favorite silver fox, rob malloy and jayven check three times, checking in all right, look, uh, not only are we checking in live and direct at the podcast studio, we just had some amazing events this weekend or the past weekends Rather, ace Honor Awards pretty incredible experience. All of the amazing honorees, the icon award winners, the nominees and the winners in all of the categories, and, as one of the ambassadors, man, I truly had a good time. Big shout out to Dr Shannon Carter. Jay, how was your experience, man? Was that? Was this your first official award show in in terms of the, the industry?
Speaker 2:yeah, yeah, man, uh, unbelievable experience. Um, you know so many prominent figures, so many stars in the building, so much magic and talent there. Um, I truly felt like I was amongst a brilliant crowd and I felt like it was exactly where I needed to be. I thoroughly enjoyed my time. I thought it was a great show.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, you know I always get great feedback about you. You know they love your mannerisms, your intellect. You know you have great conversation and you know you know how to put that stuff on brother.
Speaker 2:Hey, you know. Hey, look, where did I get it from Pop. You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1:You know what they say about the apples man.
Speaker 1:Exactly Don't fall far, man Don't fall far. So, yeah, I had a really good time, man. Just big shout-outs to. And I got to name some folks. Man, mr Stan Shaw, yeah, icon Icon Icon 79 years old. For some of you that don't recognize that name. If you watch Family Business, that's Uncle Larry. If you remember Harlem Nights, he was the boxing champ with the stuttering going on. He's been in so many things, man, but just the actors of those days are just so cerebral, they're so astute, you know, they're so pronounced in the way that they carry themselves, man, it's amazing, you know. When you go back and look, man, just the way that they carry themselves with the excellence is is incredible yeah, he also gave an incredible speech as well.
Speaker 1:It's very, uh, very touching and very inspirational yeah, yeah, you're pretty amazing, but I guess we have a show to go to, right, oh, yeah, right, yeah, yeah, right, yeah, yeah, okay. So it is still May. Okay, this is the last Thursday in May and we are participating in Mental Health Awareness Month, one of the most important months, because we have gotten to a point to where now, in 2025, we want to uphold, we want to come together and we want to now address the importance of mental health. Ain't that something, man? It took a lot of trauma, uh build up to get to the point of, okay, you know what Mental health is a thing. Yeah, people are really struggling. They're not, they're not acting anymore. You remember that little window where they were saying people playing crazy? No, no, folks are really going through some things yeah, it's not an act it is not a game either.
Speaker 1:So let's jump in, man. I want to talk about um, mental health. When it comes to the family, you know the relationships in the family, the dynamic of the family, and we'll just jump right in, jay. So even when you was younger because you weren't with me when you was young, you was with your mom Did anyone you know in that family dynamic? Did they ever teach you how to process emotions or were they like you know what? Just be a man, don't show any type of weakness and just keep it moving.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that was pretty much the gist of it. Yeah, that was pretty much the gist of it, not crying and throwing fits and stuff like that. It was just suck it up. That was really it. Get back up, scrape the dirt off, it's all good. So processing emotions, now I can't. I can't say I can't say that was. That was really a big point growing up.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I have to have to be honest on my behalf, of course. You know one brother, two sisters, mom and dad in the house. Even with that dynamic, we still did not really have any education on how to process emotions. You know, I mean the siblings are going to tease each other. What you crying for? Stop crying like a baby. You know that type of thing. And then you know, even with the parents, you know they had so much on their plate it's almost like they banked on us teaching each other or or figuring it out.
Speaker 1:And you know, to whatever that means, it's almost like well, how did you handle it? Are you just passing down the methodology through the generations? Or, you know, did you not know yourself? Were you still navigating? You know, where was it in the hierarchy in the household? Because you don't understand it. A lot of folks, especially us people of color, we was in survival mode. We was more concerned about, you know, trying to get money in the house, make sure that the light stayed on that, um, you know we had heat air. You know a lot of the necessities and basics, just as a family, you know. So it's almost like what do you do with your emotions? Do you suppress them, just to kind of get by? You know what do you do? And, man, I think that that represents a lot of families. I think it represents a whole lot of families.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I definitely agree 100%. I know for me personally, although I didn't I wasn't specifically taught. You know how to express these emotions of anger, sadness, stress, and really, now that I recall you up, it was a bit confusing. You know what I'm saying Not knowing how to deal with anger or not knowing, and a lot of times when you're a child, you may be getting punishment or chastised for reasons that you don't understand. You know, just for something, that maybe you did something that was out of line but you didn't understand at the moment, and so you have these emotions, you have these feelings of sadness or whatever the case is, and I remember, you know days where you know it would just kind of be like I would just be upset, mad, sad or whatever, until it just subsided. Maybe I took my nap and then I woke back up and it was all good. You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 2:Time to eat, right, but it's like that's dangerous because you know that's not a good, healthy habit or a good way to process. But I will say one development that came from me was writing. I did always rely on writing things like poetry or journals or whatever the case is. I would write a lot. Growing up I had journals just filled with whatever I was thinking. So I did use that as a vessel to express myself and kind of get my feelings.
Speaker 2:But I know everybody isn't, they're not writers or they don't have that in them, but I just know. For me that was one thing, but I think it's super important. Family is so important because family is your first exposure to you. Know how you're going to regulate your emotions. You know mom, dad, brother, sister. You're looking at them. You're looking around and watching other people react to whatever situations you know. So you, you, you're going to mimic that, or you're going to. At least you know form a basis of all. Right, it's okay to respond to X with Y, because I saw my brother or my sister or my mom do it. You know what I mean. So that's going to be your basis and it's not always going to end. And, like you said, if they haven't, if they, if they're just mimicking what they saw growing up and it just becomes our anger, stress, sadness, happiness, when we want to, you know, explode, or when we want to go off on somebody, like what's the best way to do it? You know what I mean.
Speaker 1:Yeah, man, that's so important and even in hindsight it makes you think there were moments that you probably went through three or four feelings within a five minute period. Right, you crying, now you're mad, now you're sad, and you know once you kind of realize that, okay, I can kind of get over it temporarily. Now you happy Right Within five minutes. Man, isn't that incredible.
Speaker 2:And then your mama gonna come to you and apologize, or she. Well, she might not apologize, but she gonna come in and tell you the food ready or some type of you know, that's what I'm saying. Like, I'm confused, Like you were just mad at me a couple minutes ago. Now you shower me with love, and it was it's crazy, man.
Speaker 1:Well you're talking about. Well you know, I didn't really want to do it. Well, I can't tell mama, right, I felt like you gave it your all just now hurt me.
Speaker 2:I'm hurt right now I got the marks to prove it man, you know what?
Speaker 1:uh, one thing that I do believe people of color have mastered is channeling their energy, whether it's the frustration, whether it is, you know, being super excited through other things you mentioned. You know writing, journaling, you know some people channel it through sports, right? You know some people channel it through sports, right, some channel it through you-to. So if you consistently mad, consistently sad, and you got there shooting jumpers, you know, at eight years old yeah, you keep doing that these 16, you probably gonna make varsity right, you channeled it right man, hey, your jumper probably going to be wet, right so, let's just be real about it, right so?
Speaker 1:but I do want to. I wanted to mention that. But at the same time, jay, how do we actually set boundaries with family without feeling like the victim, you know, or even not even a victim maybe, like the villain, like how do you? How do villain, like, how do you, how do you? How you set boundaries, man, yeah, like, look, I ain't no punk. But this is how I really feel, though right.
Speaker 2:So, nah, that's, that's a good one. It's like, uh, you know it's. It's hard to say no to to your parents. It's hard to to try to protect your peace and your emotions or whatever, without feeling like you're a victim or like you're betraying. Always taught like you know. Respect your elders. You know respect mom, respect you know any pretty much anybody that was, you know, older.
Speaker 2:So I really had issues. I don't want to say I had issues, but I definitely thought twice before. I was, you know, feeling like I was about to say something that was sticking up for myself or maybe that might have been out of line or something like that. Because I'm like man, I had to weigh my options first, because it also could come with some punishment if this ain't the right multiple choice answer right here. Rob Markman, yeah, yeah, you know what I mean. So I think it's definitely hard.
Speaker 2:But as far as setting boundaries, I think you got to. You know, you got to be able to identify first. You got to be able to know. And how do we get to that knowing? Well, it's conversations like this next generation that you know what the difference is between, you know, setting a boundary and being disrespectful, or setting a boundary and just understanding that you're setting the parameters for something that's making you uncomfortable or that's infringing upon your mental state. It's going to have to, and it can be a thin line. I'm not going to lie. It can be a thin line and it could be something that also could be misinterpreted, but at the end of the day, you have to make it concrete. It has to be something concrete, you know it has to be some concrete. So, explaining basically your feelings right, you know, to a child like your feelings, I think that's where it's going to come from Setting boundaries on how you feel and the manner in how you express it, because there can be ways to do it to where it's not disrespectful.
Speaker 2:You get what I'm saying. Like you can't, you can say all right, you know this is making me feel a certain type of way or I'm not comfortable with that. Basically, there's different phrases that we could use, or or you know that we could teach our children to use that aren't going to count as disrespect but can also signal all right, you know, as a parent or as an adult, maybe I did overstep an emotional boundary or some type of boundary to make this child feel uncomfortable, because at the end of the day, that's not what you want. Like you know, we want to raise our kids to believe in themselves and to not ever down on them, right? So you should never feel like it's okay to overstep.
Speaker 2:Of course, discipline is a completely different thing. We're just speaking on mental health and things like that. So I think just kind of having that conversation around boundaries is eventually going to, you know, kind of trickle down to where we see, see it accepted more later down the line, or at least more parents being more open to allowing their children to, you know, express themselves in a different kind of way.
Speaker 1:Yeah, man, that's really good. You know, when we talk about the history and the dynamic of family, you know there may be limited time and opportunities to where they created a structure of openness to talk about mental health, to talk about the freedom to express yourself, to talk about however you're feeling. It's OK to feel that way, but let's navigate through that so you can get some better understanding, because that's also an opportunity to see where there are some generational situations that you can address right away. If you have, you know, people in the family that have always been, you know, to themselves, you know, super anxious and dealing with anxiety and stuff like that, and then you have other people in there, it may make them feel a lot more comfortable to talk about it, so they don't feel like they're isolated, right, that something is just wrong with them or something is wrong with them when, all actuality, you know it's a thing you know and because there hasn't been methods and tools and things in place to deal with it, then you just, you just cover it up for as long as you possibly can, hopefully not until you snap. But when you think about it, those things get repressed and things happen later on in life because it's been covered so far deep down that when they become older, that's when they're able to express themselves in that way, and that way could be, you know, through anxiety or through, you know, fighting or whatever the case is just kind of going through. You know different situations when it comes to that mental health.
Speaker 1:So creating a safe space for the conversation, I think is so important, especially in our community, in our culture.
Speaker 1:That's not something that I feel like, that's not something that was common, because if it was common, it would.
Speaker 1:It would, uh, we would have better results in our community, exactly so we know what families actually do have those conversations. They do have a open door policy or open communication policy, because it may be our friends or our friends of friends. When we go over their house and you know they sit down at the table and at dinner they talk about how they feel and what they're grateful for, like, come on now, you know there's some households that do that and then some you eating, watching TV with the tray, and then somebody else in a room upstairs, mom and dad, you know, on their phone or on their laptop. You know the difference in when it comes to family dynamic, on how they operate when it comes to, uh, just having healthy habits of checking on the family's morale and mental space, yeah, yeah, I think also, you know one of the key things that you mentioned is kind of like this understanding or this kind of like this cycle or this cycle breaking.
Speaker 2:Really you know what I mean being able to identify and then speaking up so that other family members will be more comfortable, or you can at least understand something. Family members will be more comfortable or you can at least understand something. You know what I mean. Like we deal with at least for me from what I've seen you know a lot of black households in particular. You know we're dealing with different types of patterns. You know like verbal abuse, things like that controlling behavior A lot of folks deal with. You know some stuff like addictions. You know emotional neglect it's like there's a whole host of different things when it comes to you know just these kind of generational things that could be passed down but becoming something like a break in that cycle, which you know it's kind of like cliche nowadays, but I still feel like it's a good time because, like I was speaking about earlier, like the only way to make that change is to instill a new mindset and a new paradigm in the generation that's coming up, so they don't even even, you know, think that same way they're not replicating. Uh, you know some of those things that they, that you know that that we might have seen growing up. You know what I mean.
Speaker 2:So, um, you know, on the subject of just, you know how how do we go about making that change? It has to be somebody to to make that, to bridge the gap and really make that, make that connection and stay rooted in the, in the healing. You know, stay committed to it. You know our family, we, we always gonna love. You know, we love them to death. But got to stop making excuses and saying stuff like oh, that's just how they are. Or you know what I mean. You know how they are.
Speaker 2:No, it's not okay, because by saying that you're teaching the younger generation that you know, all right, well, if I, I'm like this, then this is just how I am. Well, no, if, if you behave in a particular way, there's ways that you can assess your behavior, become self-aware, and there's different things that you can do so that you know you're not casting a negative light moving forward. You know people have to do self-assessments, especially when you start to notice that you're affecting the family members around you. Friends, you know whoever, like I know folks that you know they just they live by that Like this is who I am, this is how I am, and they burn bridges and relationships have suffered because of it. You know, and it didn't have to be like that. It doesn't have to get to that point, because folks love you and people are willing to give you a chance time and time again. But you know, you have to be conscious and you have to want to do the work as well.
Speaker 1:Yeah, something that I thought would be extremely important to talk about is that strong family member. When we talk about mental health, you have to address having that strong family member, the one that is the go-to of you know when it comes to okay, you know what they're going to be, the one that I talk to about everything. They're going to be the one to have limited to no emotion when everybody else is sad and they have to rally the troops. Everybody else is sad and they have to rally the troops. Man, that strong family member often can be neglected because they're always strong that they don't need to be consoled or they don't need an opportunity to just, you know, release. So I want to ask you what? Because you know who that strong family member is. It doesn't have to be one person, but having that strong family member in your experience when?
Speaker 2:did you see them break down? Or how did you see them break down before? Yeah, that's a good one. You know I've seen a few strong family members break down. You know, folks that I personally would go to and, you know, lean on at times, but of course I was, you know, you know, much younger, so I didn't always completely understand, especially at the time of seeing these these, these kind of these breakdowns of whatever stress and pressure they were under. But you know, I definitely have seen it and at the time, you know, I didn't really know, I didn't really know what to make of it. You know it was hard for me to piece together what I was seeing and in a few of the particular instances I'm talking about it was just kind of like, you know, like some yelling and some screaming and some, you know, kind of like like, like you know, that movie scene where somebody just look, they lose it.
Speaker 2:They didn't lost it yeah you know that it's the, it's the final straw, like I've had. I've witnessed those type of moments, um, you know, in my family by some strong people that I never thought I would see that from them. You know what I mean. But I haven't, you know, I really haven't went back and spoke on it. I feel like it's something maybe I should do or maybe just go back and kind of like, you know, give flowers or, you know, thank them for being strong in that regard, especially for me. You know, I never, like I said, I was so much younger so I didn't really grasp it at the time, you know. But in retrospect, you know, with now being kind of one of the first times, I'm really kind of thinking back on it like dang, like I can only imagine, you know, I could only imagine, you know what they were going through.
Speaker 2:So definitely important to reach out to those people and always just check in. You never know what somebody is going through, whatever family member, especially the strong ones you know, that are always looking out for you, always asking you how you doing. You know what I mean Asking how, you know how, how everything is holding up. Those are always the main ones that need to be, that need to be checked on. So if there's any reminder that you get, you know, always take that one. This is one of those reminders to to check in on, on those people like that this is one of those reminders to check in on those people like that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's a lot of pressure of being that go to person that everyone relies on and you just never know when, when, that moment of release comes your way, because there's not always clear signs that you need to release. Sometimes it's certain moments. Sometimes you know, you create it in your head and you start processing and reflecting and the next thing you know, you know you're having a moment. So, man, great words, man, great words. So I think that this question was really interesting that I wanted to discuss and ask you do you think that it's okay to take some space away from your own folks, your own parents, your kids maybe, let me add, the kids right for your mental health? Do you think that that's okay to do that?
Speaker 2:100%. I am an advocate for hey, this might not even be the right term. This was social distancing with mental health distancing.
Speaker 2:You know I need mental health distance right now. Now I think you know, I think I honestly think that's going to be one of the key ways and you got it. I feel like you kind of have to identify when the right time is to do it. It has to be in a state where you just know that there's not going to be anything beneficial or healthy from being around. Because, on the contrast, I do also believe that in a lot of ways to get over whatever mental, mental anguish, then, yeah, you need some distance, healthy distance.
Speaker 2:You know what I'm saying. Don't go and leave. You know, two, three weeks and can't nobody find you, then disappear somewhere. But you know, I think a good 20, 24 hours, maybe two days, just to kind of reset, come back to your senses. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I think that could be. You know, that could be one of the things that stops the snap. That could be something that stops that. You know that final straw that broke the camel's back, maybe a lot of times. If we can take time away from all the noise and things like that to help us reset the meter and all right, now we can come back and you still may have to deal with some stuff, but at least you're not about to boil over at that point. So, yeah, don't feel guilty, don't feel bad. If you need a break, you need a break. Everybody needs a break sometimes.
Speaker 1:So, yeah, 100 agree with that one yeah, and communication will be extremely important because I think that will help dismantle any type of you know, ambiguity or any type of confusion, because it can be misconstrued Like why don't you want to be around? You know I'm, I'm your parent, I'm your, you know, I love you, I care about you, I want to be there for you, and so sometimes, you know, you just need some reprieve. So I think it's super cool, man, to just be able to articulate that. I think that that would be more effective versus, like you mentioned, just kind of dipping. You know you're just MIA man, you pop back out, you happy, you want to take folk out to dinner and stuff.
Speaker 1:What the heck you been doing, man, whatever you been doing, I want some of it, right, right, but just kind of being able to navigate that, and it may be an opportunity for other people to take on that type of measures to see if that works for them. It's OK to take a break. Don't feel forced to deal with things that are beyond your control. And you know, with that being said, man, do you think that we can really like break this, what they consider generational curses, without breaking some family connections? You have the old school, you have more old-fashioned, uh, old, traditional um, methods, um, and things that people just felt like you know this, this is just what we do, you know. We just, uh, we just, you know, smoke cigarettes or we just, you know, go to alcohol, you know, and that'll knock the, you know that that'll knock off the sting, and you know, no, uh, big deal with that. So, man, so do you feel like we can really break generational curses, you know, without without losing some of those family connections?
Speaker 2:yeah, I do. I, as a matter of fact, I think it's inevitable. I think that we've reached a paradigm shift where people understand, you know especially now that we've created the vocabulary around that we kind of understand. You know how to identify, label what it is people are going through. So, instead of you know calling somebody, you know how to identify and label what it is people are going through. So, instead of you know calling somebody, you know lazy or unambitious or whatever the case is, or crazy, just flat out calling them crazy. We kind of have a lot more nuance and understanding as far as to what people are going through and what could be going on in their head.
Speaker 2:But I do believe it's going to come at a cost. I feel like, like I said, that shift, that split and just that whole mindset, yeah, there's going to be some people from the older generation that just plain are not going to understand and it's going to be hard to explain or try to convert. But to be honest, and actually not even just from the older generation, because there's still people that are conditioned you know what I'm saying in this generation, that still think that same way, what I'm saying you know, and in this generation that still think that same way. But I feel like the shift is coming where, moving forward, we'll have more thought conscious parents and children that understand that. You know there's more than one way to skin a cat. There's more than one answer, you know, to the problem. So we kind of have to weigh it.
Speaker 2:You know it's going to be hard, but communication, I mean, I don't know it is tough, because I definitely could see scenarios where that kind of can drive a wedge, because there's a lot to explain and there's a lot to understand. But just, you know, just through faith, man, that's the only way. But at the end of the day, it's already starting. You know, we've already kind of begun to change and really understand, to change and really understand. So you know, I think that the days of, like you said, what did you say? Sipping the alcohol, I think that's kind of those are going to become older sayings, older adages. So, yeah, we making it happen, though it's making it happen.
Speaker 1:The 90 babies. We got it. We doing this Black and brown families. Historically there's always.
Speaker 1:Even in that methodology, you have to do your due diligence right, because therapists need be a soundboard, being able to just listen about different perspectives, getting a better understanding of how you became who you are and how other people experience have molded them to them being who they are and understanding that, respecting that and knowing that you know we can coexist with, with different perspectives. But as long as we respect each other and we know that there's no wrong answer Right, you do things your way, I do things my way and as long as we respect each other, we can continue to communicate, we have a bright future and not shy away from a lot of the tough topics, because I would rather learn about issues that my family has had within a family huddle than a doctor walking out the room and saying, hey, this is what's going on and this is what happened, this is why they broke down, this is what we found to be issues. I would rather at least be able to contribute in some type of way for the family and do my part. And you know, keep it within, keep it tight. I think that long term and that that's the answer. And we can. We can go way beyond being silenced and being shameful and not willing to express ourselves, for the feel, fear of being judged.
Speaker 1:And so, man, I'm glad that we was able to have this type of conversation Not an easy conversation. You know, this isn't anything that we rehearsed. We didn't really have any notes or anything like that. We just knew that there were some things that we need to address when it comes to the family dynamic and dealing with mental health. So, man, jay, how do you feel? Man?
Speaker 2:Feels good. You know, phil feels like I was saying. You know some of these. I kind of had some flashbacks of my childhood some flashbacks of, you know, some family members.
Speaker 2:you know some things that probably might have been buried in the you know in the memory. So you know it's good to have a conversation about it and bring it back to the forefront. You know, I definitely feel like I need to check on some folks and do my rounds and just make sure I'm present and I encourage people to do the same thing. Mental health is serious. You don't know what somebody's going through, but you know checking in could make all the difference. Just make yourself available.
Speaker 1:Yeah, absolutely so. We appreciate you guys rocking with us. You know that's going to end our talk for May being Mental Health Awareness Month and going into June. You have to know and respect that it's Men's Health Month. It's Men's Month, so we are going to be having some special guests next month, so just tap in, Let us know how you're feeling. If there's anybody that you want us to chop it up with, go ahead and let us know in the social media outlets and make sure that you give us a shout on our website and get on that VIP list. Of course that's pops and sun conversationscom. That's pops with an S and sun conversations with an Scom. Look, we'll see you guys next episode. Signing off.
Speaker 2:Peace.
