Real Accountability

Accountability sounds simple until you have to say, clearly and without excuses, “Here’s what I did, here’s what caused it, and here’s what I’m changing.” While Pops is away filming, I take the lead and talk directly to the fellas about the gap between talking about accountability and actually practicing it. If you’ve ever felt attacked by the “men need to do better” conversation or secretly validated by it, this is a grounded place to sort through what’s real and what’s performative.

We get specific about why “sorry” is not the finish line. An apology can be polished and persuasive, but if the behavior repeats, it turns into conflict management instead of growth. I break down accountability as alignment between who you say you are and how you behave, and why that alignment takes ongoing practice, not a one-time speech. We also dig into the less comfortable truth: many of us learned to fear being wrong because childhood consequences taught us that fault equals punishment, ridicule, or even the withdrawal of love.

From there, we call out the phrases that help us escape ownership: “It wasn’t that serious,” “You made me react,” and even “I already forgave myself, so we don’t need to talk about it.” We talk masculinity, ego, self-protection, and the generational ripple effect, because what younger men see in older men becomes the model they copy. If you want better relationships, stronger trust, and real personal growth, it starts with what you do after the apology.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:09

Welcome to another episode of Pops and Son Conversations. It is I, Mr. Check Three Times. You know, it's Son here today. Uh Pops is filming once again. Uh, so I'm going to I'm going to spearhead this episode. But, you know, y'all are used to my voice right now. I've done a few solo episodes, so y'all already know the deal. Uh, but I think this one is gonna be a great one. Uh, it's one that I've I've wanted to talk about for a while, and maybe even uh when Pops gets back, we can we can revisit. We can revisit this topic because I think it's gonna be super powerful, and I think a lot of fellas are going to uh grasp grasp a lot from this one. Um so without any further ado, uh I uh I think this episode we should title it Accountability. Um it's gonna be titled Accountability and it might even get a little personal, you know. Uh when we do these podcasts, it's hard not to inject, you

Setting The Accountability Challenge

SPEAKER_00 1:18

know, some real life situations and and you know just kind of get here and and not not not maybe vent, but um, you know, just just really tell the truth about real life experiences. I think that's what that's what makes the best for these type of conversations and podcasts. So fellas, I want to address us directly. Um and I want to start by saying this. I want I want to say think about think about the last time that you were genuinely wrong about something, right? And you know, I'm not I'm not saying like a small thing, like, you know, or it it it it could be anything, like um maybe you told somebody uh the wrong uh phone number, you or you told somebody, you know, just in just any small thing. I actually want to get deep about it. Um like think about the last time that you did something and it genuinely affected somebody you care about. Like a a decision that you made, something you said, you know, just just how you moved. I think a lot of times we don't we go about our days and we don't necessarily consider every little small detail or everything that we say, um, you know, that could that could affect somebody. But beyond that, I want you to ask yourself if you own

When You Were Wrong And It Hurt

SPEAKER_00 2:45

that, right? It's easy to move how we move and and and kind of be careless and not really care about how it affects others and then just sweep it under the rug like it never happened. So when was the last time you, you know, you genuinely were wrong about something, and then did you own it? Like actually own it. Um and when I even further, when I say own, I don't even mean like because that's that's even funny, like just the the the process of us owning up to something. Right? I don't want I don't want us to think about the version where we just say sorry, right? Just just to just to get the attention to stop. Right? It's so easy to say, oh, you know, I'm sorry about that. That's almost equal to just sweeping it under the rug, you know what I'm saying? Like we actually have to explain why we did something, right? And even beyond that, really sit with it, name what we did, and even decide to be different, right? I think that's the best course of action when it when it comes to accountability. So uh I think that if if we've been honest with ourselves, fellas, if you ask yourself that question and you really thought about it, I think a lot of us um we don't do that as often as we should. And I don't even think that we're really to blame of it, right? I think that a lot of us weren't really taught what that looks like. Right? What what we were taught was consequences and to simply apologize. Some of us were even, some of us were even taught to perform regret or contrition, right? Just like that faux remorse, to where you just making it seem like you're sorry, or you're making it seem like, oh, you know what I mean, but just only to uh it's performative, right? Just to make the other person feels feel better, but that's not real accountability, right? That's that's that's um that's really in vain. Uh so I think real accountability is a completely different animal, entirely, and um I don't think it's talked about enough. So I wanted to make this podcast about that, right? And like I said earlier, it's you know, it's it's it's it's personal. Um, you know, it's it's something I've been thinking about lately, and it's it's been sitting on my heart. So I know there's guys out there that that may feel the same way. Um so as a man, the I think that I should start by saying, like, yo, um, because I see a lot of conversations online, right? Um you see, like, oh, men need to do better. You get that narrative online a lot. Um, and when I when you see those conversations online, I feel like you fall into two different categories. Like, you may be, you may feel validated, you know what I'm saying? Or you may feel attacked. Right? There's normally two ways that it could go because you feel like, well, hey man, not all men are like that. Like, there's men out there taking accountability. And then you may even be like, nah, like, why are y'all pointing fingers, you know, this, that, and the third. So I definitely want to get specific about uh accountability. Um, because it's one of those words that everybody uses, but a lot of people don't practice, and that's just that's just the real truth about it. And I think there's a reason for it. Reason being that it's just hard. You know, it's it's difficult a lot of times. Um, it's even scary sometimes. I remember um, you know, coming up, and I think to get into it because so many things stem from my childhood. Um, you know, accountability, the way I grew up, you know, of course, coming up, I lived in different households. I mean, I of course I lived with my mom, but you know, I stay with different family members at different points in my life as well. And I just always remember now that I look back, you know, accountability for me was was almost like it was fearful. Like it was scary to be accountable for something that I did that was wrong because I knew that I had to directly face repercussions. I knew that I had to directly face uh, you know, ridicule or punishment or whatever was was gonna happen to me. But if I could, you know, somehow find out a way to not be accountable, then that that greatly lowered the probability, you know, not every time, you know, if it might it may not work because sometimes accountability will smack you in the face. But if you kind of avoid

Why Owning It Feels Dangerous

SPEAKER_00 7:51

it, then you also lower the the probability of you having to face those those repercussions. So I think a lot of times that's that's where it stems from in our childhood and um and how we came up. And that's the part that I think it's overlooked. Nobody just randomly decides not to be accountable, right? There's usually a whole history behind it. Um whatever it was that taught you that being wrong was dangerous. And typically, I like I said, I think it's in the childhood. You think that, okay, I did wrong, and and you know, something bad is gonna happen, right? Right? Like there's there's some type of bad thing. But the thing about it is, most times when you uh are accountable for something that you did wrong, um, you know, you you don't have to, it's it's just better to face it head on, um, because you just kind of look um disingenuous, right, at the end of the day when when you just don't don't go ahead and fess up to whatever it is. Um so that's the root. You know, I think we should try to understand the route instead of shaming people for that behavior, you know, even if even today as grown men and we we don't always act um you know an accountability, uh I don't think we should be shamed for that, right? Because a lot of times it's a tr it's a behavior that's trained into us. Um and also just shaming people doesn't produce any type of growth. You know, it it makes people want to hide even more. So let's go ahead and and kind of define that. Um, because I think there's there's a lot of confusion too um when we talk about accountability. Uh so first thing is I think we should define it like accountability. A lot of times when people say it, they mean um did you admit you were wrong? Um and that's part of it, I think, but it's a smaller part. Real accountability, to me, um, I think is the consistent alignment between who you say you are and how you actually behave. And also I want to point out that word alignment because it's such a key term. I I um I find it in my poetry and my writing a lot. I have a line. The human loves to see himself aligned. And I think uh basically what that with that's saying is like, you know, just as humans, humanity, we love symmetry, we love congruency, we love when things line up the way that they are supposed to, and and and when things are in sync, when we're in sync, uh the human loves to see himself aligned, right?

Accountability As Alignment And Practice

SPEAKER_00 10:44

So alignment is super, super powerful. Always pay attention when you when you hear that, when you hear that word because um it means something. But um, so alignment when as it as it refers to accountability, um, it just means that being congruent with, like I said, who you are and and how you actually behave, but um you have to understand that it's it's a practice, it's something that's ongoing, right? It never stops. So um accountability is really uh a man who can look at himself clearly without the filter of his ego or self-protection and say, look, man, here's what I did, here's what caused it, and here is what I'm going to do differently. And then he actually does it. It's less about the apology and more about the behavior change, right? And that's really the greatest apology of all is change behavior. Um, so the apology also um is the entry point, right? What do you do after the apology um is the accountability? What you do after that is the accountability because we've all seen men, and I include myself in this, who apologize beautifully. I mean, you know, we we've, you know, in in our relationships and uh interpersonal connections and things like that, like beautiful apologies, but then you go and repeat the same behavior a week later, two, three weeks, a month later, like you repeat the same behavior. So that's not accountability. At that point, it's just like you're managing the conflict and just kind of trying to mold things over, right? And then you forget about it. You and that's really the crux of it because like I said, accountability is ongoing, it's the practice every single day. Um, so if if I'm being honest, I think that's kind of the version um of accountability that a lot of us see growing up. Um, like we see the big apologies, right? Um even in um pop culture and things like that, TV shows. Like you see the apology, and and they make that so grand and they make they put so much focus on the apology, they never show how how it fans out, how it pans out as far as the changed behavior, right? So when that's your model, I mean, obviously that's what you that's what you replicate, right? So um we learn that saying sorry is a tool to make the discomfort go away and not actually changing. Um which I mean, you know, guys, like that's I think that should be the the the key focus on what we work on when it comes to accountability. Um so even to even to um you know just talk a little bit more about that that modeling and that and that changed behavior, I think that we're we're more likely to see like a positive outcome. And it's so crazy because we'll choose to to go the route of the apology and never change. But the actual change behavior is not only good for your relationship, but it's just good for you as a human and and the habits that you um execute, the the habits that you uh continue to grow and pick up, you know, at the end of the day, it only makes you a better person. So um, you know, I didn't want to make this this this pod too too long, but um, you know, just kind of some food for thought uh for us fellas and and and and how we how we think about accountability, you know, moving forward, I think should should really focus more on changed behavior. Because the truth about it is, you know, accountability might be the most talked about but least practiced virtue in contemporary male culture. And it's invoked constantly. Um, you know, I'm not gonna lie, it is talked about on podcasts. You know, you see self-help content about it, but in reality, like actual live reality, most men's relationships to their own failures tell a different story. I think we live in a culture that has taught us to perform accountability without really practicing it. Um so a lot of times we're just saying the right words, gesturing at responsibility, even posting about growth on our socials and things like that, but the underlying patterns remain intact. Um because the truth is accountability is a lot less cinematic. It's the actual work, it's the actual practice. It's not that dramatic public apology, you know what I'm saying, like

Performative Apologies Versus Real Change

SPEAKER_00 16:02

or the motivational speech about how you failed. Um, you know, with enough practice that that anybody could do that. Accountability is us as men sitting alone with the specific truth of what we did without without sugarcoating anything, without contextualizing it, right? And and and without rushing to the end result, that growth montage of, you know, how we got through it. But did you actually get through it? So I think it it requires a a a type of radical stillness, um, that you know, we talk about masculinity, um, but I think I think it requires a radical stillness that the performance of masculinity, get what I'm saying? The performance of masculinity really allows. So you got you gotta think about that because you know, in in in our in our patterns, in our masculine ways, that conditioning is is so strong. The developmental roots of male accountability problems are are documented, well documented. I mean, you know, young boys grow up in environments where admitting fault, like I was saying earlier, like admitting fault is met with punishment, ridicule, or even the withdrawal of love. Right? So you're even afraid that, you know, folks might not love you the same way if you admit to some of the wrong things that you've done. Right. So it's almost like a self-protection thing or a deflection. And that's why I also mentioned earlier that it's it's you we can't shame people for their relationship with accountability because a lot of it is is learned, right? Um even some situations where you think about how you grow up, a lot of guys grow up and they become that type of guy that will minimize whatever, you know, whatever a situation is that they should be accountable for. And you hear phrases like, oh, it wasn't that serious, and you know, in some relationships, you you may hear the phrase like, oh, she made me, she made me react like that, or you made me do this, you know, kind of passing blame. And even to take it a step further uh beyond that, spiritually, right? We have you have a phrase, um, you know, some guys will be like, um I've already I've already come to terms with that for myself with myself, or I've already forgiven myself, so we don't even need to talk about that. You know, that's just another way to to pass the buck. Um, and all these different types of phrases are just escapes from the real work

The Deflection Phrases We Hide Behind

SPEAKER_00 19:14

and the real ownership because I think that we feel like there's a an a really great cost to to being raw and honest with that. And I mean the truth about it is that cost isn't just a personal thing. It's not just personal. Um, you know, this is Pop Since Hun conversation, so I'm always I always think about generational, I think about cultural, how we as men, fathers and sons relate to accountability. It always is a transference of energy. You know, what young what young men see in their older counterparts, they will mimic. They will mimic that. Um so you know, I want I I do want to wrap it up here, guys. Um uh just just have some thought about that, right? Accountability. Um, you know, we still pretty early in the year. Uh just kind of start thinking about that and and and really think about what that means to sit with some of the things that you did wrong, whether it's to other people, you know, family members, friends, and even yourself. You know, that's also understated how we have to be accountable for the things and the transgressions that that we pass on ourselves. You know, we can easily sweep those type of things

Generational Impact And Daily Ownership

SPEAKER_00 20:47

under the rug, too. Um so yeah, so that's that's that's accountability. Um, you know, not just performing it, but practicing it every day. Small moments, the hard moments, when nobody's watching. Um, you know, and I feel like we have every excuse um available, but we have to choose to own it anyway. That's that's who you're building yourself to be. That man that owns it, that man that doesn't run, that man that isn't afraid. Um so yeah, guys, Pops and Son conversations. Um, you know, it's always good to get on here and, you know, just drop some gems, I feel like, and connect. And you guys have been reaching out, you've been seeing the clips online of me and Pops really having these kind of conversations. And I do just want to let y'all know there's a lot more in store. There's a lot more in store coming. Um, you know, that there's a lot more conversations to be had, and we want to get you guys more involved. Right, so we'll be having some guests on here pretty soon You know to kind of to kind of talk about things and always you know you can reach out through our socials and let us know the next topic that you want to talk about. If you enjoyed this accountability topic, maybe you want Pops to come and shed you know his light on it, shed his pers perspective on it as well. You know, just you know drop us a DM, go on our on our socials, reels, whatever, and and drop a mention. But um always stay looking out again. I appreciate you guys for listening. Stay tuned. The next episode, you already know it's gonna drop next week.

Reach Out With Topics And Guests

SPEAKER_00 22:38

Hopefully you enjoyed this one. Pops and sun conversations, check three times, signing out.