Divorce Forces You To Meet Yourself Again

Divorce is one of those words people whisper, joke about, or avoid, but it changes real lives in loud ways. We sit down and talk straight about what divorce can do to your identity, your parenting, your money, your peace, and your future plans, especially when you realize the reasons people marry can be the same reasons they later split.

We dig into the hidden drivers behind divorce and separation: marrying out of comfort, trauma, or “it only makes sense” because kids are already here, then realizing you don’t share goals or a clear picture of what marriage should be. From there, we get personal about the shock of starting over, the fear of dating after a long relationship, and why rebuilding after divorce starts with purpose, direction, and community support, not just jumping back into the scene.

We also spend real time on the effects of divorce on children: sadness, anger, abandonment, relief, self-blame, withdrawal, and that need for constant reassurance. We talk healthy co-parenting, mutual respect, consistency across two households, and why honest, age-appropriate communication can protect kids from carrying the confusion alone. Then we go into deal breakers, boundaries, counseling, and the added complexity of blended families, including the standards you need to set before you blend lives.

If you’ve ever wondered how to survive divorce, support your kids through separation, or build a healthier next chapter, press play. Subscribe, share this with someone who needs it, and leave us a review with your biggest takeaway.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:07

Welcome to another episode of Pops and Sun Conversations. It is your favorite show, Fox Rob Malloy.

SPEAKER_01 0:13

And it's J Ven here, aka Check Three Times.

SPEAKER_00 0:17

And we in the Billy. What's happening?

SPEAKER_01 0:21

What's happening? How you feeling, Pops?

SPEAKER_00 0:24

I'm feeling good. You know, we're finishing up uh this beautiful month of April. Uh there was no April foolery, fortunately. Not at all. So so we got through uh really, really strong. Um, and it has been nothing less than amazing. Uh we we owe these folks uh part two.

SPEAKER_01 0:48

Yeah, yeah, we uh part two, part two from the last last episode.

SPEAKER_00 0:53

Yeah, Jay. So uh break it down to them what what we uh were commissioned to talk about and where we're gonna start today.

SPEAKER_01 1:02

Yeah, okay. So of course y'all know uh if you don't know, you gotta go and listen to that last episode. We basically did the marriage topic and the structure. So on this episode, we're gonna take a turn

Welcome And Marriage Recap

SPEAKER_01 1:16

and do divorce and kind of talk about you know the breakdown of that and and and the effects of that as well on a family and on a person just in general.

SPEAKER_00 1:28

Yeah, yeah, that's something that is uh a reality that we have to talk about, you know, and uh it's so important because when you break down the statistics, you know, there's so many factors that aren't taken into consideration, you know. And when we talk about divorce, you know, I I like to talk about why did you get married? And that may explain why you're divorced. Right. You know, and and there's so many reasons why people get married. You know, some people get married because you know, that's the person that uh they experience so much trauma with, and they don't want to be with anyone else because

Why Divorces Happen

SPEAKER_00 2:11

they feel like that is their safe haven. That's who they're comfortable being with, and that's who they want to choose. Sometimes people get get uh divorced. I'm sorry, sometimes people get married because they got a bunch of kids together. It only makes sense, but they haven't really developed you know that relationship to where you know take the kids away, they don't have too much in common. You know, they don't have uh the same goals, they don't have the same aspirations, they don't, you know, have the same overall ideal of what marriage is supposed to look like. What happens is uh you know, you can only you can only take it for so long until you feel unfulfilled, until you feel like you can do better. I hate to say that, but that happens a lot. They feel like they can do better than what they've chosen. And then again, as we talked about the last episode, they also feel like they've grown apart when in fact when you marry somebody, you're supposed to grow together even closer. Isn't that the opposite?

SPEAKER_01 3:16

Yeah, yeah, it is.

SPEAKER_00 3:19

So uh so let's dig in. Jay, is there anything specific that that you always thought about, you know, when it came to you know why people got divorced?

SPEAKER_01 3:31

Uh well, you know, kind of like the last topic, even with this topic, I don't I don't feel like I, you know, have the greatest amount of knowledge on it. Divorce, I really haven't seen or experienced a lot of divorce. I've only kind of heard secondhand, like how it is and and you know, you know, what what things that people go through. Uh, but kind of like last topic, for me, I again, my perspective, I guess, just kind of comes from like the children, because I am a father, so I just think about if I were going through a divorce, um, how that would affect my son. And I didn't necessarily go through a voice, but I divorced, but I did go through separation um from his mom. And and sometimes that, I mean, not exactly the same, but it does make me think about like how that um affects him. But but you know, personally, I would say I for me, I think probably divorce the biggest, the biggest thing is like how do you I feel like you have to kind of re reconstruct yourself because

Identity Shock After Separation

SPEAKER_01 4:39

I know I was in a long-term relationship and I thought that you know it was gonna end in marriage and things like that, but when it didn't, I was kind of left like, dang, man, like my whole world kind of shifted because what I had planned for my future to look like now is completely different, right? So um, even with saying like getting back out on the dating scene and things like that, like that's a whole task when you haven't been out there in six, seven years. Like you don't know what you're looking for, you don't know what, you know what I'm saying? Like you have to kind of re figure out who you are in a sense, because for so long you were, you know, as as as they say, um, the better half of someone else. So you kind of have to kind of navigate, like, all right, I gotta find out who I am again, minus, you know, sans this person. So I think when I think about divorce, I think that's probably like one of the biggest you know, pillars of it. Like, how do I kind of find myself again? Like, how do I, you know what I'm saying?

SPEAKER_00 5:41

Good. Yeah, that's that's a good perspective, and that's important, important perspective. And being someone that does coach people uh successful after divorce, dating after divorce, for some people surviving, surviving after divorce. Hey, it's it's important to uh re-identify yourself because you're not the same person before you got married and you was lovey dubby and engaged, you're not the same person as that spouse, that companion, and you're damn sure not the same person, you know, post divorce or you know, no longer being married. So you have to find those things that number one make you happy and fulfilled, you know, um internally. And then you also have to identify what your next chapter is going to look like navigating. And uh, you know, I always say that the first thing you need to identify is what your purpose is, because it may no longer be serving that person, uh creating a family, uh, you're uh uh uh building onto a career or that type of thing because you may have already accomplished those things. And so it's time for you to find something again that's fulfilling. Uh your social life is gonna be

Rebuilding Purpose And Dating Again

SPEAKER_00 6:55

affected because you're gonna get out here and you're gonna uh meet new people and and not understand why the dating world is is what it is. Right. So you got to navigate through that, but you have to have some type of direction first. Because if not, you're gonna jump out here, you're gonna be scared, you're gonna want to go back home and and lock all your doors and you know, shut your windows down and that type of thing. So it's gonna be important that to find a community, uh, to find some type of mentorship, to find a coach to help you navigate through that. So that's why I love doing it. I, you know, and a lot of people will ask me, well, you you know, you're divorced, you're no longer married. How can you know you talk about these things? And I'd say that's the best example. You know what I mean? Somebody who can who can be candid and transparent about what it was like to be married, you know, my shortcomings, you know, one of the things for me uh is I I I uh wasn't a great communicator in terms of saying exactly what I mean, and that's because I didn't want to hurt my spouse's feelings, you know what I mean? Not that I couldn't identify it and communicate, but I didn't want to hurt her feelings. And ultimately that hurt us because I couldn't be, you know, 100% transparent, and that doesn't allow us to resolve or identify what we need to do next. And so those are the things that um I like to talk about and being transparent about that I feel like will help um those that may be struggling in marriage, Jay, or those that may actually be uh divorced or facing divorce. And so those things are important. You know, another thing that's important is is uh that household, man, splitting up the household. That's something that we always have to talk about because you know, for the child, for the for the family, it's like we've built all of these things together. We've built a bank account together, we may have put businesses together, you know. We we have uh may have just you know devised a plan to make our situation um a lot better. And now we have to split this up. You know, lawyers may be involved if you got different kinds of assets and stuff like that. And uh, you know, from the kids' standpoint, it's like okay, now I have to choose. Right. And that's gotta be one of the most emotional uh uh impacts is is having you know the kids have the choose and trying to explain that to them, you know, you have the different emotions going on, yeah. You may feel like uh uh you know sadness, uh abandonment, and or it may be like, you know, because kids are so observant, like finally,

Kids’ Emotions And Co-Parenting

SPEAKER_00 9:42

you guys are finally being real with yourself, right? Relief. So so instead of somebody not coming home and then the other person trying to pretend like it doesn't affect them, you know, they can finally have some type of relief and and maybe be happier um apart, Jeff.

SPEAKER_01 10:00

Yeah, I agree with you. But but even furthermore, like that what you when you talk about that sadness, that anger, that feeling of that abandonment, um, I think that those emotions, a lot of times, if they aren't expressed by the kid openly, um, you know, some like some kids will withdraw or they'll become hyper-independent. Like these divorce has like psychological effects on kids. And I'm sure for you know all parties involved, I mean, obviously, we kind of talked about um, you know, how mom and dad is gonna go through the divorce, but for the kids, like it has a psychological aspect too. Um, you got kids that's gonna be seeking out like constant reassurance. Yeah, they're gonna, they're always gonna be kind of, you know, looking for the next letdown, or even a lot of kids will kind of blame the divorce on themselves. They feel like they did something to cause it, right? So I think that a lot of you know, ultimately the the long-term experience for the kids is gonna depend on how the parents handle that that the aftermath, um, whether that's gonna be healthy co-parenting, um, you know, kind of keeping some form of communication and consistency, which you can between two households. Right. But overall, definitely like a mutual respect because we kind of talked about this in the last um podcast. Children are gonna take after what they see. So even if if even if there's a divorce, like you could still maintain that respect, you could still maintain um a certain level to where you know kids aren't lashing out or or it doesn't change their behavior and how they treat people based on on the divorce.

SPEAKER_00 11:44

Yeah, you know, if if I could do anything differently while I was going through what I was going through, and then eventually, you know, uh my ex-wife uh was going through was to have a sit-down, have a family meeting and really just kind of explain what's going on and what's potentially gonna happen and help the kids prepare. And of course, you know, you don't necessarily want to involve the kids with that, but if you don't, what is the alternative? Like you mentioned, they're gonna act out in school, uh, they're they're gonna share their feelings with someone else because they're not gonna feel protected with either parent. Because they're like, well, look, you can't even be real with me. Why should I share my feelings with you? You know, and so those type of things, man, they go such a long way when you're able to communicate. Um, but I will say that uh a lot of times one or two things happen when you're on the brink of a of a divorce. Either you're gonna be more transparent or you're gonna be more cold. You're gonna be cold hearted, right? Because you're gonna feel jaded, uh, you're gonna have resentment, uh, you're gonna you're gonna

Transparency, Therapy, And Deal Breakers

SPEAKER_00 12:53

you know play the blame game. It's gonna be either or. Um, because unfortunately, you know, divorce is is is a breakup. It's a death in a relationship. It's you know, the marriage dies. And so these are things that if you can get ahead of, you know, I even think that you should have a um going through divorce counseling or therapy, you know what I mean? Because all marriages aren't gonna be saved, right? So why not uh coach a couple? And that's hey, maybe that's my job, maybe that's what I need to do, right? Yeah, but people need to face the fact that the marriage is over. And let's let's be honest. People know that uh the some of the decisions that they're gonna make are absolute deal breakers in a marriage, you know what I mean? Okay, one thing is having an affair, but then within that affair, now you produce a child. That's gotta be a deal breaker, right? Uh, you know, uh getting uh people involved that shouldn't be involved. Uh you you have an ex involved, or you uh you know one thing I was thinking, man, that may be like a super deal breaker is having an ex uh mother or father-in-law involved in the current marriage. That gotta be a deal breaker.

SPEAKER_01 14:13

Yeah, that's wild. What are you doing?

SPEAKER_00 14:15

What are you doing? Yeah, what are you doing, right? So those things, uh I've obviously you know, abuse uh goes without saying, whether it be financially, physically, emotionally, uh harm to a person. And of course, that goes both ways. That's a uh a husband abusing a wife, and that's a wife abusing a husband, because that goes, I'm not gonna say undetected, but I'm gonna say that that really doesn't get um out there to the forefront because I believe that there's a lot of men that have experienced verbal abuse from their wife counterpart. Oh, yeah, you know, and and we see it, and uh, you know, a lot of times, you know, people laugh it off or saying that you know he's the weaker link and that type of thing. But again, you know, he may be raised to stay respectful, yeah. He may be uh raised to take it on.

SPEAKER_01 15:13

Life is real, man.

SPEAKER_00 15:16

It is uh real in terms of you know that narrative that people are pushing. Right. And uh, you know, of course, times are evolving, and they're talking about you know, happy house, happy spouse, but the happy uh life, happy wife, happy life, man, that has been in the forefront for decades, probably centuries at this point. Yeah. Most likely centuries. That's abuse. Right. So, I mean, when we think about this thing, Jay, I I I want to really also take in consideration of you know what life is gonna look like when uh people are getting uh divorced. But even before that, I also want to talk about one of the most toughest things that I've even experienced that I think people should take in consideration. And one of the biggest reasons why people do get divorced is because they marry into a blended family, they create a blended family. For those of you that don't know, you know, what a blended family is, that's when you know the man comes uh to the fold with with a child or children, and the woman comes to the fold with a child or children. And um Brady Bunch. Hey, that's what it is, man. Uh so I do want to talk, you know, to you briefly about this, and I know we have just a few more minutes. Um obviously, if you decide to get married and you don't marry uh Parker's mom, you know, because that of course that would be a non-uh blended family. How do you feel about marrying or your your partner, your companion, having children?

SPEAKER_01 17:03

Yeah, I think it's cool. I mean, as long as the so for me, I you know, I look at I of course I kind of look at where there could be possible problems. So the first thing that

Blended Families And Setting Standards

SPEAKER_01 17:16

my my first concern would be um what what the dad is like, you know what I'm saying? How does you know how how he is or if he's in the picture at all. Like because I think that we're all gonna have to work together um for things to be smooth. Not saying that everybody has to be buddy buddy, but I mean, obviously, you know, we're gonna be around each other to some degree at some point. Uh, but I don't have a I don't have a problem with that. Um, you know, I I I want more children. Um, I enjoy being a father, you know what I mean? So um, yeah, I don't, I don't, I don't mind the blended, the blended family at all. I mean, of course, you know, we gonna blend some more kids up in there, so to speak. But like if you already had kids, probably not more than one, though. Like, I think one would probably be my my limit. I got one, you got one. We have a third, we got we got three babies, that's cool. Because yeah, uh three is the number for me if if I was um to pick, yeah, if I had it my way. But yeah, I don't I don't have a problem with with the blended.

SPEAKER_00 18:21

I like that, man. I like that uh that you actually have a standard um in terms of you know being very intentional because that way you you already know what your bandwidth is, and uh that person actually understands. You know, I I think that women give a lot more leeway than guys. You know, a woman with no children will marry a guy with eight kids. Right? I mean, just straight up uh it's more common, Jay, is what I'm saying. Nah, for sure. For sure. But uh I think that when you do set a standard, I mean, obviously, you know, God is in control and you you never know what may happen, right? You never know what he brings in front of you. But I think that it is important to kind of have a standard um because you know your bandwidth, and then you guys can be on the same page. And then you have to be realistic, you know, you have to be realistic with yourself and and know what what you may be able to handle and and what may be a big challenge. So you don't put yourself in in a bind, you know what I mean, that you're dealing with uh when you haven't already set a standard to roll with. So I I do uh I appreciate that. You know, uh for me, man, I don't I don't even know, man. I don't even know about the whole marriage thing. Um and it's more so just because what my purpose is right now, like she would have to be super aligned with what I have going on. Yeah, right. Like, first of all, she she can't be showing out on my social media. Like, I baby, come on, relax. Right? I've built a platform that you know has allowed me to be transparent with my audience. Um, at the same time, when it comes to like uh my personal life, I just don't really think that it is so much for social media to be on the inside. Now, if you know we decide to to create a platform to give people a peek, then yeah, but you know, other than that, man, I'm not really not really into that because you know folks are just folks and they're gonna do the most on a regular basis.

SPEAKER_01 20:31

On a regular basis. Yeah, you can count on folks to do the most, for sure.

SPEAKER_00 20:36

Look, uh, we talked about uh divorce and how it affects the family on this

Privacy Boundaries And Closing

SPEAKER_00 20:41

episode. Uh we also talked about marriage. So if you missed that episode, just go ahead and click the button to get to the episode prior to this and listen to our conversation about marriage. But I think we did a pretty good job again. We may revisit it a little bit, spend a little bit more time. That'll be up to you guys. You guys will have to you know keep shooting us with uh DMs, going to the website and uh just letting us know what topics, what subjects, what you want us to expound on. But other than that, man, we're gonna have to see them the next episode, Jay. Hey, into the next episode conversations, as always, signing off. Your favorite Sil Fox Rob Malloy.

SPEAKER_01 21:22

Check three times, checking out and we gone.