You Cannot Pick The Right Partner Until You Know Yourself

Dating can feel like a sprint, but we think it’s supposed to be more like a build. We kick off a new series on finding the right partner with a straight, practical conversation from a father and son perspective: before you pick someone, you’ve got to know yourself. Values, goals, maturity, and the direction you’re heading matter more than the rush of attention, the butterflies, or a great first night out.

We also get into how modern dating pressure changes people’s behavior. Social media can humble you quickly, the “dating pool” can feel unstable, and that can push people to settle for whoever clicks in the moment. Then we zoom out to talk about bigger signals like declining birth rates, economic anxiety, and why more people are thinking hard about commitment and starting families. Whether you call it fear or wisdom, it’s shaping relationship decisions in real time.

From there we land on the core: alignment. We talk about why mismatched couples struggle, why long-term compatibility shows up in everyday routines, and why you need real conversations early about the next five years, priorities, and goals. We also make the case for vetting and due diligence before you start booking dates and investing heavy time and money.

If you want smarter dating advice and healthier relationships, press play, share this with a friend, and leave a review. What’s one question you wish everyone asked before date one?

Transcript

Welcome And Topic Request

SPEAKER_01 0:52

Welcome to another episode of Top Sin Son Conversations. As always, it is your favorite soul fox, Rob Malloy.

SPEAKER_00 1:00

And it is I Mr. Chick three times.

SPEAKER_01 1:04

And here we are, back at it. What you feeling like, Jake? How you feeling, man?

SPEAKER_00 1:10

I'm feeling good. I'm feeling good. How you feeling, Pop?

SPEAKER_01 1:14

Good, man. Look, I'm ready to get into this particular topic. This was a topic that was requested a few times, man, but you know, so much was going on. Men's health, men's uh mental health, uh, you know, all of that stuff going on. So we're kind of getting back to the request schedule by uh by our audience. And so I'm ready to dig in, Jay. What is today's topic?

SPEAKER_00 1:44

Well, let's get right into it. Today's topic is gonna be finding the right partner. Um, and I figure we know we could both give our perspectives on that.

SPEAKER_01 1:57

Yeah, we could do that. We can do that. Um finding the right partner. I think that's a really good topic, especially when you get the perspective of a father and son, uh, when you get the perspective of, you know, our age group, our age bracket and experience. And this is really one of those topics that you know, fathers and sons, and when the guys get together, we get to kind of chop it up about this. So this is really will be almost like a locker room or an inside scoop for all the ladies

Defining The Right Partner

SPEAKER_01 2:31

listening, right? Because these are the conversations that you know, a lot of times, you know, the moms will say, hey, talk to your daddy about that, you know. And and I think that's good because you know, a lot of moms, man, through throughout the history, have been getting finessed, you know, by these by these guys that uh, you know, like the daughter and think they can finesse the mom and all that stuff.

SPEAKER_00 3:00

Oh, I see what you're saying.

SPEAKER_01 3:02

You see what I'm saying? So I but I think that the perspective that we'll be giving uh now will be uh the mindset and the you know the navigation of of finding the right partner. And of course, you know, we're not talking about little kids, right? We're not talking about the popcorn love stuff, man. We're talking about grown men business. So uh so let's dig right in, Jay. Um, so when it comes to finding the right partner, and you know, we have these conversations all the time. Uh what do you think is like the the first step? Now, I obviously I gave it away when I said mindset, right? So what does what does the mindset look like? Or what do you what do you think is like the very first step if there was a young man, say around your age, late 20s, early 30s, like what would you tell him would be the first thing that he really needs to focus on and he really needs to do?

SPEAKER_00 4:03

Yeah, the first thing I would say, which I actually do want to kind of credit my generation just a little bit, because when you start looking at the whoa, the stats and stuff, um, guys out there these days, man, they kind of are focusing more on themselves. And that is actually what I was getting ready to say is that you should uh get to know yourself. Uh kind of identify what your values are, what your goals are. Um some people call that um, you know, going through the the healing process and things like that. But I think it's just good to have a good understanding and kind of get your bearings before you

Know Yourself Before You Date

SPEAKER_00 4:51

uh begin to get involved with anybody else. Uh because at that point it gets more confusing. Um, you know, it's just some more roadblocks that could come. So I think you should have a good foundation of understanding yourself, understanding um, you know, your goals and what you really value. And I'm gonna add to that around this age, which um I kind of came to this recently, um, because in my 20s, uh and and you know, as as you age, you kind of understand, you can see in hindsight, like, oh man, I used to think like that, but now I think like this.

SPEAKER_01 5:32

Right.

SPEAKER_00 5:33

And so I think around, at least for me, at least for what I'm experiencing, I see that a lot of my uh beliefs, a lot of my values are becoming a lot more concrete now. I think that in my 20s, you know, I I was uh still uh, you know, impressionable. I still was maybe not leaning, or maybe I was on the fence about certain things, but I think nowadays I could give definite, concrete answers to what I dislike, what I like, what I you know what I mean? Like it's not as hazy as it was back then, and I think that's because I've uh come to understand yeah, you know, my my values and goals and stuff like that.

SPEAKER_01 6:19

Oh, I like I like it, I like it, I like it. I like uh the foundation that you you just put there because you just talked about evolving, you know, uh or maturing, I guess you know, the combination of the two, and I think that's so important, man. And and um knowing who you are becoming is extremely important because you know you you're not you're not there yet, we're not there yet. And so just knowing that you're continually evolving, that you're willing to learn more about yourself first, man, I think it's so important because when we talk about you know your age bracket, uh, you know, millennials, late 20s, things like that, man. Um I'm glad that you guys have an independent thinking process. You know, uh yeah, you see the stats, but you know, the the numbers are the numbers, but I think that that's most important to look at okay, what can I do individually? Because these are group numbers, but what can I do individually to put myself in a better position for success? Yeah, meaning it's successful for relationships, and so I I do believe that, and I don't know real stats, Jay, but I think that there are less children being born. I think we need to look into that. I mean, and it has to be because you know, we start talking about the the boomers, you know, your granddad's a 70s, 80s, you know, they had 15 kids, 20 kids on the on the farm, you know, 12 kids. It wasn't uncommon, right? And so uh fast forward to where we are now. I do believe that you know, your generation, generation under you is being a little bit more, even if you do have one child, right? If you have one child, you're like, okay, let me make sure that this child is good, right? Uh, it has

Fewer Kids And A Changed Landscape

SPEAKER_01 8:18

a solid foundation and access to resources and things like that before you know I you just start unloading, right? You know, you gotta you gotta be ideal about you know what's going on so so that these kids are in the right environment to thrive. So uh so I love that, man. I love that you know, knowing yourself, you know, knowing that you are continually evolving is so important because uh again, um I I think that and I hate to say it, but I have to say it, man. Um I think that we're closing in on the gap of the chase in cheeks era.

SPEAKER_00 8:59

Oh, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 9:02

And I'm and I'm proud, I'm I'm proud to to see and and and say that because you know, a lot of men are being very more selective in who they're choosing to be with, uh, whether it's physically, emotionally investing, you know, financially investing. And I'm I'm I'm liking that awareness because again, I would say that probably my my generation was, you know, uh I love her, she loved me, and next thing you know, we done popped out to them. Ain't married, ain't engaged, just just slapping bellies, man, and we're worrying about the outcome later.

SPEAKER_00 9:43

So I do want to say one thing though. You know, what's was different though, I say this because you know, you're right. I don't have the exact stats either, but I know that there are less um babies being born, and even you know, teens of today and and you know, young adults and stuff, they're not even um as concerned with with that as you know what I'm saying, as as as much as it was back in the day. I think one of the things though, because you said it's like, you know, we're not chasing it as much, you know, times have changed. Like the women of today will will really embarrass you, bruh. Like they will they will make you feel crazy for thinking that you had a chance. Like you get on social media and you see uh uh guys getting aired out, you know what I'm saying? I think that kind of lends a little bit to fellas being like, hey man, I'm not I'm not even gonna shoot my shot because you know what I'm saying, that's going on. But you know, shooters gonna shoot, but yeah, it's the landscape is a lot different today, especially with dating. Like it's just it's yeah, I ain't gonna say it's a mess, but it it's it's different.

SPEAKER_01 11:02

Yeah, yeah, no doubt. And and we did a quick uh a quick uh stat search, and and and it's true. Uh we're we're at the lowest uh birth rate since uh 78. You know, I was three years old then. So um, yeah, so uh since what 2007, the numbers of babies born in the U.S. has dropped by 20, around 20 percent, which is the lowest in the history of the country, man.

SPEAKER_00 11:29

So that is not good.

SPEAKER_01 11:31

Yeah, well, I mean, it it's a challenge, man. It's a challenge because of course, you know, we want to continue to grow our population, our communities, but at the same time, you know, uh it's almost like quality over quality right now, man.

SPEAKER_00 11:46

Yeah, yeah. And you know, you start thinking about economy and stuff like, but that's another thing. Like, so one of my homies, he's my age, and he don't got no kids, you know what I'm saying? But he was telling me, um, you know, all of his homies got kids, and I was he was just talking to me about his thought process on there, and he's like, man, I don't even see, or he was like, I don't have the desire to bring another life into this, you know, economy, this world, this like people had that type of uh fear of um, you know, the unknown and bringing a new life in it. But you know, I don't know if that's something specific to today's time or if that's just an ongoing thing that people are always gonna feel about you know having kids. But yeah, you know, I don't know what that speaks to. But yeah, it's crazy that they're not being born as much. Yeah, it's crazy.

SPEAKER_01 12:46

So I I I do understand that plight, but also at the same time, and I think that's why it's good that we're having this conversation, and uh kind of leads to another point that I wanted to talk about. You know, I I wanted to really kind of dig in when it comes to you know finding that right person. You know, what are you actually looking for?

unknown 13:05

Right.

SPEAKER_01 13:05

So um, and I think that that's important. Uh again, my generation, you know, I feel like we're the ones that that uh we looked at our parents and we're like, you know what, they've been married 10 years, 15 years, that's kind of what we should do. Find somebody who uh who appears to be a good fit, you know, lock in and and you know, do your best to give it, you know, another 20, 30 years like your parents if possible. But at the same time, it's kind of like, well, what is your whole process? You know, so are you actually looking for someone that uh it makes sense long term,

Alignment Over Vibes Long Term

SPEAKER_01 13:43

or are you looking for someone that you know they got the looks, they got the style, you know, uh do they have common sense? You know, so you have to look at all that. And in addition to that, Jay, you have to also look at, you know, are you aligned? You know, I also think that we're in an era, or at least we've been in an era, I would say maybe the last decade or two, to where there are so many or there have been so many mismatched couples. It's like they don't even look right on paper. So why would it work out? So, you know, what I what I mean by that is is is someone I'm not even talking about, you know, education, uh finances or anything like that, but just having like the same goals, you know, having similar background to where you know uh your parents or or your family, your community believed in in relationships, making relationships solid, having a tribe for the community, uh, making sure that you're surrounding yourself by like-minded people, you know. Like, I don't even think that that's really a thing anymore when it comes to prioritizing. And Jay, so I want to get your feedback on that, man. When it when it's like looking for someone, do you feel like a lot of people are just looking for a come-up, uh a temporary situation, or do you think that they're looking like long-term, you know, comparing uh goals and looking at the values and making sure that you, you know, it makes sense spiritually, emotionally, financially, and physically?

SPEAKER_00 16:55

Yeah, so I think in the case of I would say a lot of relationships, it's so you know, a lot of times it's so in the moment. I don't think that people have that type of foresight because again, you'll hear people say, you know, the dating pool is trash or they're having a tough time with the dating. So I think a lot of times it's like when you find somebody and it's starting to click, you almost kind of want to forego some things because you don't know when the next time you'll find somebody that clicks like this. Okay. So it might not be, you know, all the everything might not be aligned all the way. You know what I'm saying? So you're you're compromising on some things in the relationship because it's like, oh man, I you know, I found somebody and we vibing, you know, I've been single for two, three years. Right. I don't want to lose something, you know what I mean? I this this could be the person, or or at least I'm I feel like, you know, I this feeling that I haven't had in a long time. So I think when that type of situation gets going, it's like, yeah, you don't need you you might not even care if they have the same, you know, aspirations or whatever. But of course, over time, it's always gonna reveal itself, you know, when when things aren't aligned like they should be. And that situation is is, you know, that that gets talked about too. Maybe it's one of those, the one that got away, or you just don't know, you can't really put your finger on why y'all didn't work out, and it ends up being y'all weren't really, you know, connecting and compatible in in the in the ways that you that that would have uh you know uh lent to a long, healthy relationship. So at the end of the day, you have to, before the looks, before the you know, all the the the butterflies and the and the good feelings and the and the great dates and all that stuff, yeah, uh at some point you gotta sit down and say, hey, let's have a serious conversation. You know, I like you a lot. What's your next five years looking like? Well, what do you see in the future? And you know, how can we um you know figure this thing out? So yeah, I just think that's super important to have that conversation. That's good when you're looking for somebody for sure.

SPEAKER_01 19:27

Yeah, yeah, and and that's and that's in the vetting stage, right? That's like literally in the vetting stage, um, as you as you date people. Now, I do believe that people uh should date. Um, I I feel like you know, you should after you see that there's enough in common to go out on dates and experience each other's company, uh see what the conversation's like, see what the vibe and energy is like. But man, I want you I want you to think about how often do people actually go through a process before going out on a date. Like is this asking sisters out on a date on site, like they don't know nothing about her, right? They don't she just fine, she's she thick, slim thick, red bone, dark skin, chocolate, whatever the case is, and but it's like, hey, you know, I want to take you out to lunch, right? And and depending on what his style, and depending

Vetting And Due Diligence Before Dates

SPEAKER_01 20:26

on, you know, his vernacular and and savoir fair and all that stuff, she may, she may accept going out on site as well. So it's like you don't know anything about them, you haven't really had any conversation like that. You just know that they fly, you know, that they find, you know, that and and so just not even having a process, I think, is important. Um yeah, you can go off energy, you can go off vibe and and discernment and all that stuff, man. But realistically, you still have to experience that person. You need to tap into a whole nother level, in my opinion, before you even go out on a date. Jay, if you pay attention to that person's habits, their routine, and if you just hang around long enough, you gotta find out what's really going on with that person. Yeah, and but if you if you like, hey, you know, you meet on Tuesday, you go out on Thursday, you may really have no conversation, and you know, people are busy, your work schedule, business, school, whatever you got going on, family. Next thing you know, Thursday's here, and you ain't even had no conversation to really find out what's going on, first of all, with this person, and then number two, what where their headspace is, right? But you're on a you're now you're on a date, you know. Right if you're out having dinner, a movie, or hanging out, you're really in that moment, and it's not even like you really want to have those uncomfortable conversations. Book out now, book out now.

SPEAKER_00 22:09

Shameless blood. Come on, right.

SPEAKER_01 22:12

You you're not even able to have these uncomfortable conversations that may prevent you from spending the next three months with someone who's not even really a good fit.

SPEAKER_00 22:25

Yeah, yeah, 100%. And you know, so before before that, how how important do you think it is? Because I'm just kind of trying to put uh like the steps in, you know, uh loose, loosely. So do you feel like there should be because you know, you you you get to say, say you get the or you you go out, you meet, you know, a nice young lady, you like, hey, you know, let's exchange numbers, whatever, whatever. So do you think there's a process of like just communication before the date, or do you think the date should come and then yeah, like like phone calls, stuff like that, like how important is it to do that even before the dating, or is that or does it not really make a difference?

SPEAKER_01 23:13

So that's a really good question. Um, and and this is how I look at it. You know, um, before you buy a house, before you go buy a car, before you decide what college to go to, or or what branch of military, you have to do your due diligence first, right? Because it looks good, it seems appealing, it's very attractive. You you feel like you want it, but you don't even know what that's gonna entail, right? You don't want to you don't want to jump in uh the military not knowing that you're gonna have to go to boot camp, you have to be uh weapons training, uh, you may possibly go to a third world country, like you just oblivious. So I think that we should always do some due diligence just to see if it's a good fit to explore, if it's a good fit to invest in your time and resources. And I say that mainly as a father and mainly as a man, because up front, we're gonna be doing the heavy lifting up front. We're paying for the dates. Uh, we're we're the ones that's gonna be making decisions as far as you know what what we're gonna do and how often we're gonna do it. Because you know, if you leave it up to a woman, she's gonna go out every day, right? Hey, what you doing? Let's go grab some lunch. She ain't paying for it. Hey, let's go grab some dinner. Hey, I saw a nice movie or a nice restaurant my homegirls told me about. She's not gonna pick you up and take you on the date, right? So it's gonna be a lot of investing, uh, time, uh, resources. And I think that that's what you should you should really do in the beginning. Uh, see where that person is because you might find out that she just likes to go out on dates. And you and you and you just up next, right? Right, but but find out where that person is at, you know, what they're really doing. And that's what I mean by routine. Uh, because if a person is focused, if a person has things going on, I'm not saying they're necessarily gonna be super busy, but you will know that they're looking towards achieving something. We should all have some short-term goals and some long-term goals. If a person is on a regular chill cycle, but you might want to be careful with that situation.

SPEAKER_00 25:36

Chill cycle. I like that fire, right? Yeah, that's fire. Yeah, folks out there on that chill cycle, though.

SPEAKER_01 25:44

They're on the chill cycle, man. The day should be over with, we're just going with the flow. I think everybody needs to be intentional. Women talk about you know, men being intentional, but they need to be intentional as well, right? So every everybody's gonna play a part in the progress, and everybody's gonna uh play a part in the process. Everybody involved, man. Yeah, look, Jay, I think we're gonna have to run this back with the part two because uh we still need to talk about red flags, green flags, uh, you know, just being mature enough, a father's perspective. And I really want to dig into the parents' perspective when it comes to helping that child or helping that, you know, um, that person find the right partner. So we're gonna have to run this back, man. Part two.

SPEAKER_00 26:36

Yeah, let's do it. Part two.

SPEAKER_01 26:39

All right, so check it out, y'all. We appreciate y'all rocking with us, and we will uh be back in the next episode. You know, we're talking about finding the right partner, or at least the process of finding the right partner, right? And so that's what we got for you coming up. Uh again, and we'll see you guys real soon. It's your favorite silver fox, Rob Malloy.

Part Two Tease And Wrap

SPEAKER_01 27:03

Pops and Sun Conversations. We'll see you guys next episode.