How To Vet A Partner Before You Commit

Some relationships don’t fail because love disappears, they fail because we ignore the warning signs we saw in week one. We talk through the real-world dating advice we wish more people used: slow the pace, do the self-work, and build a vetting process that protects your time, money, and peace. If you’ve ever jumped in too fast because loneliness felt loud, this conversation will hit home.

We get specific about relationship red flags like love bombing, rushing commitment, “I’m toxic” energy, and the subtle danger of someone who never takes accountability. We also flip the script and name the green flags that actually matter for long-term compatibility: honesty, maturity, reliability, and real reciprocity. That includes the hard stuff people avoid talking about early, like money habits, family values, faith, kids, and what each person expects from partnership without turning dating into an interrogation room.

We also wrestle with a question a lot of people have but rarely say out loud: is it better to date someone with lots of experience or someone who hasn’t dated much? Our take lands on quality over quantity, what someone has learned, and whether they can show up without dragging old baggage into a new start.

If you want healthier relationships and fewer wasted seasons, listen through, then tell us what your biggest dealbreaker is. Subscribe, share this with a friend who’s dating right now, and leave a review so more people can find the show.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:50

Welcome to another amazing episode with your favorite father-son duo pops and son conversations. It is I, your favorite self fox, Rob Malloy.

SPEAKER_01 1:01

Check three times checking in.

SPEAKER_00 1:05

And here we are. Hey, uh, I won't I wanted to switch it up, Jay, with the intro because I didn't want people to think that we had, you know, pre-recorded.

SPEAKER_02 1:14

Oh, yeah, yeah. See what I'm saying? Yeah, mix and match.

SPEAKER_00 1:19

All right. Okay, so look, um, we uh this is part two. So if if you if you clicked on it and you was trying to figure out is this part two, yes, this is part two of uh Pops and Sun Conversations. We're talking about you know the perspective of a father, a son, two men,

Part Two And The Ground Rules

SPEAKER_00 1:36

two different generations, and finding the right partner. Now, again, we're giving you our perspective. Do what you want, make sure you have a process, and uh, and just you know, always be um cognizant of of vetting a person, man. No, no, no jumping into stuff, Jay. Is that fair to say, man, folks in 2026 still jumping into relationships?

SPEAKER_02 2:05

Oh, yeah, yeah, like it's nothing. Yeah, just just because you want to be in a relationship, too. Hey, that that loneliness get get tough, man. You see, they need somebody.

SPEAKER_00 2:23

Hey, man, they want somebody that can stay in the rain with them, man.

SPEAKER_02 2:26

That's it, that's it. But you can't do it like that because you you you might end up hurt, wasted your time, yeah, you're blaming folks. Nah, man. You gotta take that time. Like we said on last episode, first work on yourself.

SPEAKER_00 2:42

Yep, yep.

SPEAKER_02 2:43

You know what I'm saying? And then you want to make sure that you um have those conversations up front to figure out if this person is really compatible and aligned with you. It's not that, it's not that hard. It's not that hard. You got steps that you could take to make sure that uh, you know, you don't end up with with the uh with the big the big bowl of ice cream. You know what I'm saying?

SPEAKER_00 3:10

Why should why uh beaching? Oh my god, man. That still happens. Now do do brothers do that, man? You you ever had a uh you ever like personally was just like man, you know, I'm just just trying to get out this funk.

SPEAKER_02 3:28

Nah, nah, man. Nah, I think for me, I well, I I can only speak for me. I think I I just like bury myself in into either work or uh the gym or doing something. Like when it gets like that, I'm just trying to get my mind off of the past. I just want to move on. Yeah, yeah, no doubt. No doubt. But yeah, it happens, it does happen.

SPEAKER_00 3:55

Now we're not gonna just sit here in front like you know, brothers ain't getting their heartbroke, you know. We we're gonna keep it a buck. But again, we're talking about finding the right partner, so we're we're talking about the whole navigation process, and so let's let's do this, Jay. Let's kind of talk about some red flags because those are easy, right? But also I think it's important to talk about green flags because you know, and I and I'm gonna put this on the ladies. Um a lot of times the green flags, the ladies aren't really understanding what that means. Like they're still saying that certain guys are are too nice, and certain certain guys just, you know, he you know, he he ain't man a lot man enough or manly enough, and

Red Flags Versus Green Flags

SPEAKER_00 4:47

and I need somebody who can handle me. I mean, or maybe it's just the music they listening to, man. I I I don't know, Jay, but uh let's kind of talk about some red flags and some green flags, man. Like what what for you what comes up as a red flag right off the top?

SPEAKER_02 5:07

Right off the top, a red flag right off the top, man.

SPEAKER_00 5:11

Let me think. I already know. I already know where you're going.

SPEAKER_02 5:14

You you really know, you already know? I already know. I don't even know. Let me see. Um, red flag, you know, for me, a red flag, um, you know, I might have thought about this before, but uh rushing, rushing too quick. Um you know, trying to, I hate to say it, but this is what it is. Like doing too much too soon. Uh, you know, I like to ease into it. Um, you know, I like to take my time. I don't want to feel like I'm getting love bombed, if you, you know, if y'all are familiar with that term. But you know, I feel like, you know, sometimes women that do that because, you know, they feel like you the one and they feel like they so into and all that. I'm like, let's let's see how you feel three, four weeks or two, three months from now. Because if you don't have that same energy that you have right now, then I'm looking at you like, what was all that in the beginning? You know, that's just that's a red flag for me. So like just take it slow, be cool. We all, you know, it's it's good. I ain't going nowhere, but let's just figure this out together. You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_00 6:28

Yeah, yeah, I I think that is important, uh, mainly because you know, as they talk about the whole representative thing, uh, you know, Jay, my my uh take on representative, I feel like everybody has a representative because you're trying to be the best version of yourself, right? So so you're gonna have a representative uh that's gonna put the best foot forward because even what you whatever you got going on, if you if you hurt, uh if you feel some type of way about the last relationship, you're not trying to bring hopefully you're not trying to bring that in to your next uh encounter. And so you you're gonna be the uh representative. You know, we we got into uh you know, we're we're we're in a weird era, and I still think that it lingers. The whole toxicity thing, I think it's still lingering, you know. People what women was was just saying off for a while. Look, I'm toxic. If you don't want a toxic chick, don't fool with me. And this is this ain't no ratchet in the hood type. This is corporate America chick talking like this, man. This is doctors, nurses, attorneys, firefighters, law enforcement chicks, man. We're not talking about the little 16, 17-year-old, uh, you know, baby, baby Megs, and and

Why Toxicity Is A Dealbreaker

SPEAKER_00 7:56

little global gloves and all that. We're talking about grown, we sexy rail, we're talking about grown women talking about how they're toxic. Yeah, and and I don't know how we how we got there, but you know, this is something that as men we have to look at that, you know. Um, and I and I would even say that you your boy, uh, what's your boy's name? Uh Gates. Gates, Kevin Gates, he was talking about how he likes that, right? Uh how he likes a toxic woman, and you know, and he's cool with that because he's toxic. And so now it's kind of like people's perspective is is is just off because we're we're losing the uh you know the moral values, the moral compass, the integrity, the character of people because they think that you know toxicity is is good.

SPEAKER_02 8:50

Yeah, they're looking at that as a green flag when really that's a super red. That's crimson. What's what's the most red, red? That's a super red flag. If look, if you if a woman's saying that, I don't even want to I don't want to be anywhere around you. You you're not the one for me because the last thing I need is toxicity. I want peace. You know, I want a woman that's that's coming to me with um, you know what I'm saying, with uh solutions, not not problems. So yeah, toxicity. I don't even know how it got so popular, but fellas, if you listening, man, if if that's what you went to, go come to the other side. You maybe you just haven't been exposed to the, you know what I'm saying, the right type of women, but that's never that's never a good look. Yeah, keep all the toxic away. Major red flag.

SPEAKER_00 9:45

Toxic behavior. Yeah, and and then, you know, also when when you think about, you know, all of that, it's like uh where what does it come from? I mean, it comes from trauma, right? It's an attachment to trauma, and there's no longevity in that because at some point somebody's gonna get hoited.

SPEAKER_02 10:04

Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 10:05

Somebody's gonna get hoit. And that's not uh, you know, that could be physical, that could be mental, that could be financial, you know, just the whole emotional situation. But you know, sticking to uh to red flags, man. What I thought you was gonna say, yeah, I thought you was gonna say lack of accountability.

SPEAKER_02 10:23

Oh, that's a good one. Yeah, because that's that's that's definitely a red flag. If I if we if we if we um get into a discussion or we talking about something you can't ever admit oh my god, you know what I'm saying, that you did something wrong, or you said, yeah, that's yeah, we we were not gonna work out. We are not gonna work. Because I can't I can admit.

SPEAKER_00 10:46

I can't admit it. Well, we I think we I think it's expected um for men to to admit their faults, their shortcomings, uh, what what they're not able to do at the time because they need to quote unquote level up, they need

Accountability And Blame Patterns

SPEAKER_00 11:02

to quote unquote build up, that type of thing. I think it's already implied uh that you know men, uh, you know, we we just gotta be accountable or not a quote unquote real man, right? That's still even talked about, uh being a real man. That's all we're not gonna dig into that, but sticking on to the accountability, sticking with the accountability uh aspect of it, Jay. You know, I I do feel like a red flag is someone that always mentions what other people did. Whether it is uh relationship, whether it is family, whether it is you know, business-wise, personal wise, it is always somebody else's issue, it's always somebody else's fault. I think that's a huge red flag because you're next.

SPEAKER_02 13:23

Yeah, right.

SPEAKER_00 13:26

You're next, and so I think that you know that's something that you have to take a good look at. And these are things again in the vetting process. I ain't talking about y'all already booming up and and you figuring this out. I'm talking about in the vetting process, and that's of course what we had talked about in the episode previous. If you missed that, go back to that because that's what we meant by when you're getting to know someone before you even go out on a date. Right. The uncomfortable conversations, you're gonna get everything you need to get if you have enough conversation.

SPEAKER_02 14:00

Yeah, facts, and that's how you learn to to that's where you're gonna get your your info and where you can distinguish you know the flaws between the deal breakers. I think that the red flags should be deal breakers for you. So if you feel like that, yeah, if you start noticing these red flags, that's I mean, they call them red flags for a reason. That means stop. That means you do not need to swimming. Yeah, no swimming, no, no, nobody in the waters. Like just don't go any further. Uh, those should be uh you're doing and and and these red flags are gonna be different, you know what I'm saying, for everybody, but that goes back to when you understand what your goals are, what your values are, how you um, you know, want to receive and and and be treated. And the cool part about it though is you learn this stuff by dating. Like, you're not just gonna pop up one day and say, like, oh yeah, I like to be treated like this or I this like that. You have to actually date and figure out these things about yourself. Um, you know, so I think that let me ask you something, Pops. How do you do you think that um, because I I used to always think about this, like I I kind of looked at it like as levels, right? So would you prefer to be with somebody that has dated a lot or not really dated at all? You know what I'm saying? Like what do you what what what to you would you say is like more attractive? Somebody that's you know has has dated and you know has has been on dates and kind of figured out, you know, their likes and dislikes, or somebody that's kind of, you know, maybe they was uh a relationship type person, they got in a relationship a long term and now they back out dating, but they haven't dated a lot. You know what I mean? Like, does that make sense?

SPEAKER_00 15:56

Now that makes a lot of sense. And I'm and that's a that you know what that's a really tough question because uh my ego uh wants a woman that is not really experienced, is as long as she's open to learning, right? Okay, uh, so so really it's kind of her mindset, but at the same time, uh a woman that is experienced is is also resilient and she's no nonsense. So I don't I don't want a woman that is also like, well, you know what, I'm still trying to figure this thing out, and so I'm gonna I'm gonna kind of play play it uh out and see what you know what I'm about. So really it's about what what she's learned, yeah, how she's applied it to her her current life is what I'm gonna go by. Man, I think I'm gonna always go by quality over quantity, yeah. Um, because you know, she may not have had a lot of relationships, but the tenure, the tenure of each one is very significant, and it also sometimes, uh now I'm thinking about it, now I'm processing it, it also kind of lets me know that she's royal, right? She'll she'll rock with you until she can't rock with you anymore. So you know, she and of course, you know, me being 50 years old, that is not necessarily something that would necessarily apply to you because if she's been in a relationship 20 years and and you 30, what's going on here? But you know, but for me, I think at my age, uh and where I'm at in life and my navigation system, you know, I want her to um be at a place to where she understands that she can still learn, um, and and that she doesn't carry over the

Does Dating Experience Matter

SPEAKER_00 17:46

the the baggage. So I do believe that there is such a thing as baggage, but you don't have to baggage claim, like you don't have to take it with you.

SPEAKER_02 17:58

Right, right.

SPEAKER_00 17:59

You don't have to take it with you, yeah. So uh you know, and and we can we can explore this together because it's gonna be a new it's gonna be a new experience for both of us. So as long as she understands that's what the ride is gonna be like, I'm gonna rock with her regardless.

SPEAKER_02 18:15

Yeah, yeah, I like that. That's dope.

SPEAKER_00 18:18

Yeah, so um just green flags, real quick, as we as we get through this thing, and I think that we can we can make this really easy, man. Just green flags, I think, is is honesty, Jay. Yes, um, and that to me that means maturity. But I'll tell you one thing that um I think more men should really look at when it comes to uh finding that that woman is is she reliable? Is she reliable? And this is what I mean by that, Jay. If she's always asking and not offering, yeah, what are you in for a long ride? Oh man, because hey, look, a woman will ask you and and know that you are at your last.

SPEAKER_02 19:09

Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_00 19:10

Jay, you believe that?

SPEAKER_02 19:12

Oh, that's a fact.

SPEAKER_00 19:14

She will know, like you'll tell her in experience, right? You'll be like, hey, you know what? I just had to pay this, I just had to take care of this stuff, right? And she will still say, Well, hey, um, you know, this weekend, you know, are we are we still are you still gonna be able to do that for me? Oh my god, hey man, hey, and what let me tell you what's so crazy about it, and and we said we talked about this before. Not all women, but a lot of them, a lot of them will still take your last so that they won't have to spend their last.

SPEAKER_02 19:48

Oh man.

SPEAKER_00 19:49

Jay, do you believe that too?

SPEAKER_02 19:52

Hey, I believe that's love.

SPEAKER_00 19:55

They will look they look, I I remember, and this has happened to me. Um, I would say maybe in these last eight, nine years of of navigating, you know, um not being married anymore, being divorced. Uh women will talk about how uh they they feel in some type of way because they had to dig in their savings to to get something that they wanted. I'm like, what you you got a savings? What is that? Right. And you talking about you know transferring bands to your checking to to get what you need.

SPEAKER_02 20:41

Bands, bands, man, and and to make a dance with a straight face, man. Just no remorse, no concern for you or nothing. After you didn't just gave your last. Oh my god, man. Yeah, it's tough.

SPEAKER_00 20:58

It is tough, man. It is tough, but you know, those are some red flags, obviously, those are some green flags, and I think what once you uh like like uh

Green Flags: Honesty And Reliability

SPEAKER_00 21:06

my son Jay said, make sure that they're deal breakers for you because it is highly unlikely that those habits will change.

SPEAKER_02 21:16

Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 21:17

If somebody's borrowing money, if somebody's not checking on you and your your well-being, your mental health, and it's always about them, it is not going to change. No, it's not. There's no cutoff in finesse, man. Once a person finesses, they're gonna finesse you until you you figure out that the the that's what they do.

SPEAKER_02 21:43

Yeah, and don't even think that you can, you know, try to talk talk them out of that. Like there's no, nah, man. You just gotta go. You just gotta go the other way. But leave.

SPEAKER_00 21:59

That's it. And if you don't, that's on you.

SPEAKER_02 22:02

Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 22:03

Don't even don't even blame them because you saw exactly what they was built and and how they rock. But you know what, man? I also think it's important that that you do have some some common core values. You know, when you start talking about money, start talking about kids, you know, faith, uh, what marriage and expectations. Oh, yeah. I think that these are some key conversations that you can have when you decide if this is a a person that you want to get to know a little bit better, because you have to have a foundation and common ground. I wouldn't unload on on all of that stuff because off rip, because Jay, you you still want to build some type of rapport with a person. You don't want to be straight interview style, like women will give you straight up interrogation, which one in the interrogation room, man.

SPEAKER_02 23:01

Yeah, yeah. I I at the gate, they gotta figure out everything, man. They gotta figure it out. But you know, I don't I think that you know, the right person is not only going to fit your life, man, they're gonna help you, help you build it. You know what I'm saying? Y'all gonna help each other. There should never be a lopsided um, you know, um scenario where it's one person pouring in way more than the other, and vice versa. Like, yeah, you know, you you guys got it's gotta be a situation where you're both, like you said, accountable. You're both honest, you're both, you know, it is it just it works way better when when everybody is kind of holding their weight and kind of contributing to the relationship to make it work. That's the right person for you.

SPEAKER_00 23:55

That's good, that's powerful. Um, and you know, we we have to be at a point where we have to draw a line in the sand and in what our standards are and not veer off of that. Because if a person isn't uh, well, first of all, if you're not holding your To a certain standard, then that means that leaves you susceptible to anything.

SPEAKER_02 24:18

Right? That's a great point.

SPEAKER_00 24:20

Like uh you will attract everything, good, bad, and indifferent. So you have to keep you have to keep a standard to uh expect a standard. So if you do that when you're choosing a partner, now you can really realize if if there is alignment, you know, is is it just chemistry? Is it just a good vibe, or is it actually uh compatibility? Do you guys have a little bit more in common than uh liking Chris Brown and Usher?

Standards Core Values And Marriage Talk

SPEAKER_00 24:49

You know, you you gotta have more than that. You know, is this person uh someone who is family oriented because I love being around family? So I don't want to bring somebody and they looking crazy, and and now I'm looking crazy because they're looking at me like why would you bring this person here? And they're crazy, you know, and um and just really kind of knowing, man, what direction you want to go. Um, I when it comes to marriage, uh, I think you can have a conversation about marriage, but I don't think that you should necessarily lead with that, Jay. And I'm always stand by that. Uh I know women are like, I'm dating for marriage, and uh but to me, I'm gonna be honest with you, man. I'm not gonna say it's a red flag, but I'm gonna say it's a concern because it's almost like, well, what happened to you? Did did did somebody did you feel like somebody strung you along for too many years? Right. Do you feel like the last couple of partners that that uh you know you was engaged to, uh, the marriage fell through, so somebody owe you a ring, uh a white picket fence in a nice big house and in an SUV in a in a coop? Like, you know, like what's what's really going on? And I think that you know, um our counterparts do still have that biological clock, man. They start looking and they're like, you know what? I'm I'm 35, I'm not married yet, I only have one child, or I'm 40 now, I don't have any kids, I've never been proposed to, and then you know, they start comparing themselves to stuff that doesn't even really make sense, is apples to pecans, man.

SPEAKER_02 26:38

Yeah, yeah, and now you want the ring for all the wrong reasons. You want it for all the wrong reasons. Um sorry, go ahead.

SPEAKER_00 26:51

Yeah, yeah. So, I mean, at the end of the day, you do have to have some of those uncomfortable conversations, but if you prepare yourself properly and you discover who you are, what your identity is, and one thing I didn't say before, Jay, is um men and women, um, our brain doesn't fully develop to about 25, 26, 27. Yeah. So so think about all the relationships or so-called relationships due to pressure, due to forced relationships, due to trauma bonding, due to you know, um early uh uh uh parents, you know, becoming parents early, and oh yeah, and uh not being in the right environment, and uh, you know, wind up being with somebody just because y'all been in the same hood and you grew up together. Yeah. Like those are all the factors that you know uh you you do not have to succumb to. Um, but if you do find yourself in those situations, that doesn't mean that that's gonna determine your future. And uh, you know, you you still have an opportunity to position yourself properly to get a better outcome.

SPEAKER_02 28:05

Oh yeah. And it's and it can be tough, but that's one of those things where you just kind of have to sit down with yourself and and and really think about your future and what you want it to look like. Um, you know, because as the saying goes, man, nobody can live your life for you. You know, you gotta make all them decisions, and they're not always gonna be the easiest ones. But it can be the difference between a life of, you know, unhappiness or a life of, you know, you know, being able to go and seek out the the happiness that you feel you deserve. So screw, you know, sure it's it's you know, our listeners can relate to that. Um, but yeah, just just always keep that in mind. Like you got control over you know what you want to do and what and what the next move is that you want to make, and that extends to who you allow, you know, in your life, what partner you want to be with, and and everything else in between.

SPEAKER_00 29:10

That's good, that's powerful, man. Look, uh I I think we dropped off enough gems. We gave you guys the red flags, green flags. And to be honest, man, a lot of people know this stuff, man. But when you're when you when when you're in a different mindset, when you're going through things, you know, when you in that funk and and uh you know, breakups or somebody didn't turn out like you thought that they would, and and and stuff like that, you you

Brain Development And Better Choices

SPEAKER_00 29:40

regress really when you should be progressing, right? Because it's an opportunity for you. You got that notch under your belt, you got that experience, and now you know what not to do. I think when you start repeating you know those habits, uh expecting uh different results, then we already know what the definition of uh, you know, what that definition is, but you know, just just learn and grow, man. Learn and grow. That's that's what we're here for.

SPEAKER_02 30:11

Yeah, that's right. That's what we're doing. It is all right.

SPEAKER_00 30:16

So look, uh, we appreciate you guys rocking with us as always. Let us know any topic, any subject that you want to talk about. And even if we talked about it before, we may spend a block, right? We may split uh spend a block on that topic and subject only. Okay, don't think about spending the block on anything else. But that being said, hey, we appreciate you guys. Thank you for the love and support, hops the sun conversations. As always, it's your favorite silver fox, Rama Lloyd.

SPEAKER_02 30:45

And it's Mr. Check Three Times, checking out and we gone.